Sell Your Damn Tesla

We all know you're thinking about it

Editor’s note: Sometimes, I feel compelled to share a strongly held opinion. This is one of those times.

The Washington Post recently spoke with regretful Tesla owners who are frustrated that their sweet electric rides have come to be associated with Elon Musk’s literal chainsaw-ing of the federal government.

Some have been getting harassed:

Marylander Carla Harne, 41, has watched the tide turn against Tesla and Musk from the front seat of her sleek, fiery red Model 3. Harne’s interactions with others over her car had mostly been positive — until last year, when, hours after Trump was elected president of the United States, someone threw “probably a dozen” eggs at her car as she drove home from work. “My windshield was just covered,” Harne said.

Some have taken to issuing clarifications:

About 10 years ago, Tom Blackburn became one of the first 100,000 people to buy a Tesla Model S. … As a small act of protest, Blackburn purchased a bumper sticker that reads, “I bought this before I knew he was crazy.”

Others remain enthused enough with their car to overlook recent Constitutional transgressions:

[Chris] Terrell, who describes himself as a center-left Democrat who rarely votes Republican,¹ encouraged other Tesla owners to separate the business from the CEO. “Tesla has 120,000 employees. They build great cars,” he said. “Musk is a problem, not Tesla.”

I’m here to be the bearer of bad news: Tesla is also a problem. Sorry, Chris. You should sell yours, and so should everyone else.

I recognize that this sucks! I know these cars are cool and relatively good for the environment, and some of you endured long waitlists to get yours. But Tesla is the main driver of Elon Musk’s personal wealth. It’s the primary reason he was able to buy his current gig as the world’s most powerful ketamine addict. Without Tesla’s massive success, Musk would be more like the Koch brothers (still bad) than “the villain from Saw but for crucial government programs.”

Most of the folks interviewed by the Post now worry that driving a Tesla makes it look like they endorse the second Trump presidency. If you’re reading this and have that same fear, let me put your mind at ease: IT ABSOLUTELY DOES LOOK LIKE THIS. And I promise it’s only going to get worse. The chances of Elon gracefully retreating into obscurity are much, much lower than that asteroid hitting the Earth.

Here’s another thing to consider: Teslas used to be one-of-a-kind. I joked in my short film that Musk has only had one good idea in his entire life: “What if electric cars looked cool?” I personally don’t believe this makes him a genius, but through a mix of good timing, good funding, good luck, and narcissistic personality disorder, it made him an absolute shitload of money. But now lots of companies make cool electric cars! It’s pretty easy to swap out your Model 3 for a Hyundai or a Ford or a half-dozen other companies that aren’t run by dudes throwing out Nazi salutes like Halloween candy.

Now, will selling your Tesla single-handedly save democracy or stop Musk from dismantling the VA with a flamethrower? Of course not. But there's something to be said for not having your personal transportation double as a rolling billboard for America's destruction. And in the not-too-distant future, driving a Tesla might really become akin to wearing a MAGA hat into Whole Foods—guaranteed to draw uncomfortable stares from crunchy hipsters and androgynous teenagers alike.

Dumping your Elon-mobile won't fix America’s problems. But it might help with yours—especially if your problem is getting eggs thrown at your Tesla. Those things are too expensive to waste these days!

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1. In modern newspaper speak, this probably means Chris Terrell is a founding member of the Heritage Foundation. But I digress.