NASA's Asteroid Defense Plan, Revealed

How the World's Leading Space Agency Plans to Handle the Unthinkable

Feb 26, 2025

Editor’s Note: New writer alert! Larry Hodges is a prolific science fiction writer, with many published short stories. Learn more at his website, www.larryhodges.com.

Astronomers caused a small panic last month when the International Asteroid Warning Network announced that an interstellar object called 2024 YR4 had a 3% chance of colliding with the Earth in 2032. However, this week that number was revised back down to “one in a few hundred thousand,” according to IAWN Manager Tim Spahr—meaning Earthlings can breathe a sigh of relief.

This didn’t stop NASA from developing contingencies in case we eventually must face such a doomsday scenario. Now, after a lawsuit by several major media companies and one dedicated Armageddon fan club, NASA has released these secret plans, as printed below.

STEP ONE

Upon discovery of a doomsday asteroid on its way to destroying Earth, NASA will send a one million gigawatt radio wave to the universe, in every direction, encoded in all 7000 known languages with the message: “For the love of God, save our butts!”

Then, we sit back and wait for E.T.

NASA engineers have spent years preparing for this huge energy expenditure by collecting the lightning bolts that hit an old clock tower one at a time.

STEP TWO

Should there be no answer from alien rescuers (God Damn Them All to Hell), NASA will open its secret God file—which contains the email addresses of every priest, preacher, bishop, rabbi, imam, Ayatollah, Sangha, Pastafarian, surviving Pharaoh, multimillionaire evangelical scam artist, Scientology auditor, Manson follower, and known cult leader in the world.

Then, NASA will contact them all with a request to pray that their religion's deities, “For the love of God, save our butts!”

Based on advanced statistical analysis by the Department of Religious Mathematics at Oral Roberts University, the odds of every single religion being wrong is about as likely as a camel fitting through the eye of a needle (assuming the absence of small determined camels and/or large inviting needles).

STEP THREE

Should there be no answer from deities nor any response from alien saviors (God Damn Them All to Hell), NASA has created a probabilistic forecast to determine the needs of a large population of American ghosts.

For example, there may be a spike in demand for creepy abandoned houses. In anticipation of this, NASA has created a secret program whereby, upon the order of the president (or their ghost), they can rapidly creepify surviving houses—thereby creating shelter for the hundreds of millions of new ghosts created by asteroid impact. These houses will come equipped with essential ghost supplies, including rusty chains, theremins, and sheets with eyeholes cut out (for any surviving humans trying to blend in).

Citizens should feel assured that NASA has prepared for every conceivable asteroid-related outcome, and you may safely turn your anxiety toward other existential threats.