It's Me, Canada

We just elected a normal guy. Jealous much?

Apr 29, 2025

pink and green map of Canada — Photo by British Library on Unsplash

Hello there, World. It's your stable buddy Canada, here. And guess what? We just elected a completely sane guy. That's right, in direct response to America voting for a friggin’ hoser, we decided to go with a boring Prime Minister straight out of central casting.

Score one for the Great White North, baby!

Sorry if I seem a little giddy, but this isn't just about America. Lots of fancy countries out there have always thought they're better than Canada because we're boring and cold. Well, now fascism is rising across the globe, and so is the temperature. Looks like ol’ Canada's sitting pretty! I bet you're regretting all those jokes aboot how we say aboot now, eh? There won't be any quips on moose or maple syrup when you're applying for Canadian asylum!

Let’s face it, the global community has never given Canadians our due. We get prime placement in the Winter Olympics… and that's it. You mock our politeness. Laugh at our Mounties. Make jokes about how we're just America's Pharrell Williams hat. Meanwhile, we're up here quietly running a functional democracy without a single billionaire chainsawing the government to pieces. That should be more notable than our occasional penchant for head-to-toe denim, eh?

Now, it's our time to shine. You're all welcome to come to Canada. Trade here under our boring tariff policies. Visit our freezing cold forests that won't be sold to private interests. Give poutine a try!

But we have demands. Visitors and prospective residents (especially Americans) must admit to the superiority of:

110-yard football fields
Ketchup-flavored potato chips
SCTV
Bagged milk
Universal healthcare

That's all we ask. Oh, and if you become a citizen, don't vote for a crazy asshole. That's the other rule.

Look, Canada's not perfect. Our housing market is nuts, we've got our own terrible history with Indigenous peoples, and yes, we do actually say “aboot.” But right now, democracy is rolling along up here just fine.

Maybe—just maybe—boring isn't so bad.