It's Me, a Bridesmaid Who's Definitely Not Mad

A Very Stable Wedding Toast

Kelsey. Wow. Here we are. Your wedding.

I remember when you and I spent an entire week at recess designing our wedding dresses in second grade. Rhinestones, empire waist, and a long train that connected your dress to mine. We were going to have a joint wedding—that’s just what best friends do, right?

Cut to now, and while I’m thrilled to stand here as your maid of honor, in a dress that isn’t connected to yours (and wearing a color called toasted macadamia nut that’s not white, despite what I heard your cousins whispering about me by the canapés), just know that there is and forever will be an invisible train that connects me to you.

And also now Dennis.

I have never seen a more perfect couple. Kelsey is gorgeous, kind, smart, funny, brave, interesting and thoughtful. So it must be true what they say… opposites attract!

I’m kidding! I’m totally kidding. I am 100 percent kidding.

I was one of the lucky ones to see this relationship blossom right from the start. Dennis, you came into our lives like a surprise party nobody saw coming. And the party hasn’t stopped! I was like, every party has to end at some point, right? But no, not this one. It won’t end.

And that’s a beautiful thing.

I remember all of your couple milestones so vividly: your first date, your first kiss, the day Dennis replaced me as Kelsey’s emergency contact. I’m beyond happy for you two. You can’t tell, because I’m not smiling, but I am.

Today, as I watch my better half marry a different half, I’m reminded of that Spice Girls song “2 Become 1.” Except this time it’s more like “2 Become 0 Because of Some Shithead Named Dennis.”

Haha, I’m actually kidding. Totally kidding, I love to joke.

But one thing I’m serious about: Dennis, if you ever hurt her, I’ll burn you alive.

Anyway, everyone, please raise your glasses and join me in asking: Kelsey, will you marry me?

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