My uncomfortably honest dating profile
I'm not here for a good time OR a long time, but for some secret third thing.
Editor’s Note: It’s our first weekly post from ! ICYMI, Rachel is taking over Tuesday Chortles from our dear friend, Dodge Greenley.
Name: Rachel
Occupation: Writer 🙁
Age: Too old for this shit
Hello, future disappointments! If you’re looking for an old soul with undiagnosed ADHD, great tits, and a really annoying talking-to-my-dog voice, then have I got a me for you.
I'm in my flirty thirties and looking for a casual situationship where we occasionally text, watch movies, start a family, and support-each-other-through-life's-ups-and-downs-until-death-do-us-part. NO LABELS, THOUGH!
A little bit about me: I’m three months away from being in the “geriatric pregnancy” age bracket, and I’m still on my dad’s cell phone plan. I'm a standup comedian, but please don’t let that fool you into thinking I’m fun. My hobbies include salsa dancing, scuba diving, and playing video games until 4 A.M. then wondering why I'm tired all the time 😉
I’m a total Capricorn with a Taurus moon that keeps me grounded, while my Scorpio rising adds a little spice! (Unless you don’t believe in astrology, in which case someone hacked my account and posted that last sentence.)
When it comes to what I'm looking for in a partner, I'm really not picky. As long as you are unfathomably out of my league, then we’re golden.
Heads up: If you come on too strong, I’ll run. But if you play it too cool, I’ll hide. I invite you to determine the unknowable balance of affection that I require at any given moment. Good luck, babe! I don't even know half the time!
Check out my photos! The selection process only took three days, two straw polls amongst my friends, and one mental breakdown. Be advised: these pics are from a friend's wedding two years ago when I accidentally looked better than I ever have in my life. To calibrate your expectations, take the worst photo of me, divide that by half, then add hormonal acne, and finally subtract dopamine 💃🏼
Above all else, I’m looking for someone to dig the pointy part of their elbow into that one spot on my shoulder. Do you have elbows? This could work! Best case scenario: We’re soul mates! Worst case scenario: You murder me and scatter my remains in dumpsters around the city.
Let's grab cocktails! Unless you give me the ick between now and then, in which case, let's grab coffee!
And please forgive me if I don't respond to your message right away -- it's simply because I hate it here 😘
xoxo
lol i got worried when i read the headline and thought greg wrote an article about his dating profile.
Finally, a Chortle post I can plagiarize! Thank you Rachel, for speaking the truth the rest of us wish we had the guts for❣️