Brat Summer is OVER, Frumpy Fall is Here!
The baggy pants can stay.
Special shouts to another new Chortle contributor, ! I’m thrilled to have her, and you’ll see more from her soon. If you like this piece, Rachel and her creative partners are currently crowd-funding for a short film she wrote and could use your support!
Phew, it felt good to be a slutty ‘lil DGAF-fueled chaos monster all summer. But as the pool parties wind down and the leaves begin to turn, a new season is upon us.
Goodbye, Brat Summer… hello, FRUMPY FALL!
First thing’s first: lime green is dead to us. This season’s signature color is aubergine! You know, the color of that sweater that you hate. Complement your eggplanty ensemble with stunning neutrals like grey, beige, greige, and swamp. A good rule of thumb: if it’s not a color your grandmother would want to be buried in, TOSS IT!
If summer was all about showing skin, fall is all about HIDING what your mama gave ya. Bury your bralettes in the backyard cuz it’s SMOCKTOBER, bitches! We’re going from Miu Miu to muumuus… from sex machine to L.L. Bean… from crop tops to weighted blankets laid atop our bodies, crushing us ever so slightly like human paninis.
Purge Charli XCX from your playlists and cozy up for some EASY LISTENING. Work out to white noise or whale sounds. Make love to Gregorian chants or that LO-FI HIP-HOP RADIO 📚 BEATS TO RELAX/STUDY TO video on YouTube. No more Zumba, only Corpse Pose. Keep that heart rate down, queen! Wouldn’t want to accidentally feel a feeling!
Brat Summer called on us to awaken our senses. Frumpy Fall says, “LIFE IS SUFFERING! NUMB OUT, GIRLYPOP!” This Thanksgiving, you’re free to purposefully overdose on tryptophan. Can’t hear Uncle Dave’s political rants when you’re in a poultry-induced blackout!
Summer saw you vacationing in Mykonos on a whim! Now, under no circumstances are you to leave the house. Straight up HIBERNATE. Refuse to PARTAKE IN SOCIETY. If your loved ones aren't worried about you, you’re DOING IT WRONG. Use this season as a time to SLOW DOWN, REFLECT, and RECHARGE.
Because once Frumpy Fall ends, we’re diving headfirst into ABSOLUTE CUNT WINTER!
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Rotten Tomatoes ratings of my dog
I’m not sure why Rotten Tomatoes decided to host reviews of my dog, but I guess I should share this? Anyway, thanks for the kind words, Leonard Maltin!
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the weighted blanket as human panini!!! my goal is to have all my anxiety become melted cheese tbh.