An exclusive interview with the Pasadena Piss Bandit

Meet the charming urinator terrorizing Southern California.

Los Angeles Times, 10/2/2024:

[A] mystery man has a penchant for placing full bottles of human urine on a specific Pasadena Water & Power electrical box on Colorado Boulevard. For years, he has deposited full bottles of pee (unscientific but newspaper-safe term) atop a seemingly random electrical box…

“Hey funny guy,” one person had scribbled in a handwritten note affixed to the electrical box. “If I catch you leaving your piss here, I will make you drink every last drop! You will have wished I called the cops! I am watching you and you don’t know who I am, but I know who you are. You have been warned!”

The note was months old. The bandit remains as active as ever.

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PASADENA, CA — Tinseltown is the birthplace too many famous characters to count: Mickey Mouse. Luke Skywalker. The racist Transformer. But in recent days, the most talked about character in Los Angeles isn’t up on the big screen. At least, not yet.

Pasadena is normally a quiet burb, content to show off its famous Rose Bowl and occasionally blow up a Cheesecake Factory. But locals have been rocked by the so-called “Piss Bandit.” He or she continues to elude neighbors, the police, and documentary filmmakers who are all intent on identifying this mysterious wicked pisser. In fact, according to the Los Angeles Times, the profligate micturater even removed a specially installed anti-pee-bottle barrier in order to continue making sure their parched patch of Pasadena stays well-watered.

This was obviously a story that merited further investigation. And so it came to pass that your intrepid reporter found himself in the back alleys of northeast Los Angeles County with his peepers peeled for signs of peeing peers.

But days passed. Time seemed to swell, like a bladder full to bursting. And still, there was no urine to be found on the pisser’s famous electrical box. After 80+ hours on watch with no sleep, I gave up hope of ever laying eyes on the bandit. I had just made up my mind to go home and explain to my wife why I hadn’t answered any of her text messages the last few days, BUT THEN—

A furtive figure crept from the shadows, arms laden with sloshing tupperware. The pisser!

I approached slowly so as not to startle this reclusive figure. I knew the odds were slim that they would agree to talk to me, but I had to know… WHY? What would possess a person to so reliably leave pee in the same place, year after year, often in big bottles labeled URINE?

The Piss Bandit noticed me and froze. I nodded slowly to them. They nodded back. I quietly asked if they would agree to an interview with a small, unprofitable humor concern. They nodded again.

I had my story.

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CHORTLE: It’s hard to know where to start. There’s been a lot of speculation online about your motivations—whether you’re an artist, a lunatic, a genius, a menace to society. Some people assume that you’re unhoused or mentally ill, but others see you as some kind of strange hero. So I guess the reason I’m here tonight is to ask you: what makes the Piss Bandit tick?

PISS BANDIT: [Throws a bottle of piss at me and runs away.]

CHORTLE: God damn it.

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