Pope Francis's Final Statement
A message for all God's children (plus JD Vance)
Dictated and translated on April 20th, 2025
My dear children,
As I prepare to meet our Lord and conclude my earthly pilgrimage, my heart is full of gratitude for the privilege of serving as your shepherd these many years. Throughout my papacy, I have strived to center the marginalized and to speak for our common home, Earth. I have found profound joy in my work, even as our world has faced growing darkness.
In fact, I have but one regret: Why couldn’t I have died 24 hours sooner? You know, before I had to spend time with JD Vance?
In all other matters, I depart this world content. I am at peace with the compromises necessary in leading an institution as ancient and complex as the Church. I accept the criticism from those who found me too progressive and those who found me not progressive enough. Such are the burdens of attempting to build bridges in a world obsessed with walls. But really, couldn’t the Lord have spared me the fifteen-minute audience with America’s most embarrassing export since Unitarianism? (I kid, I kid.)
Frankly, my grip on this mortal coil is so tenuous right now that I couldn’t even tell you what was said during the meeting. I mostly remember a lot of sweating and intense eye contact. If I am to be entirely honest—and what better time for honesty than when facing our Creator—I believe my time could have been better spent on any number of activities: in meaningful prayer, visiting the homeless shelter near the Vatican, or simply dead as a doornail.
I have met many political leaders in my lifetime. Some I disagreed with profoundly, yet still discovered common ground in our shared humanity. With Mr. Vance, I found myself using my remaining earthly vigor to check my watch. I mean, seriously, spend a couple of minutes with this guy and you’ll definitely believe in Purgatory.
I share this not out of bitterness but as a final teaching moment. Even in our last hours, God sends us tests of patience and opportunities for growth. Though I confess I would have preferred a different final lesson—perhaps mastering pickleball, which I've been meaning to try.
Despite this minor scheduling inconvenience, I depart with gratitude for the privilege of serving the Church. Remember always that our faith demands both contemplation and action. Love well. Defend the marginalized. Care for our planet. And perhaps most importantly, vote carefully.
With my final blessing,
Francis
Servant of the Servants of God
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I hope he told Vance that he best properly represent the Catholic faith much better than Biden and Pelosi did. Trump should be meeting his Creator shortly and I'm sure that the group from the Tom Cruise Vatican movies, the literati or illiterati, will take care of bidness if you know what I mean. Fuggetaboutit!!!! RIP to one of the good Popes.
Vance was conducting research for his sequel, "The Seven Hillbillies of Rome Elegy"