Updated White House I.T. Policies
A memo to Pete Hegseth from the Help Desk
DATE: 25 March 2025
TO: Department of Defense, Attn: Secretary Pete Hegseth
FROM: Derek, I.T. Help Desk
SUBJECT: URGENT—For God's Sake, Please Read This One
Secretary Hegseth:
In light of recent events, the White House Office of Information Technology is hereby issuing revised communications security guidelines for all cabinet-level principals and their staff.
These are not suggestions. They have been established to ensure the security of sensitive national intelligence, as well as to keep you from accidentally spending congressionally-appropriated funds on Candy Crush. (Again.)
Please be aware of the following policies moving forward:
As a reminder, the following apps are not authorized for communicating classified information about international military operations: Signal, Telegram, WhatsApp, Truth Social, DraftKings, Minecraft, Untappd, Drizly, iBeer, Alcoholics Anonymous.
Do not share your government login or password with any personal relation. Per your previous inquiry, this includes wives, ex-wives, mistresses, side pieces, and high-end prostitutes.
PLEASE ADD A PASSCODE TO YOUR PHONE. I can't emphasize this enough. I know four digits is a lot to remember, but you have a large staff to help.
If you receive a message from an unknown number, it is not appropriate to respond “New job who dis?”