New Thanksgiving Traditions
Sometimes traditions change without us even noticing!
It’s Thanksgiving week again, a familiar time full of familiar traditions: Turkey, Football, XXL Naps.
But traditions evolve. The Pilgrims didn’t have cranberry sauce from a can. Green bean casserole didn’t exist before 1955. The Macy’s Parade used to be aired on a thing called “broadcast television.”
Give it enough time, and even traditions become unrecognizable. Sometimes the shift happens so gradually that we don’t even notice. You may be expecting to revisit your favorite old customs this week, only to find they’ve been quietly swapped out for bizarre new versions that almost but don’t quite resemble what you remember.
Old vs. New Thanksgiving Traditions
OLD: Everyone crowding around the TV to watch football.
NEW: Everyone crowding around the TV to figure out who has a login to whichever streaming service is showing football.
OLD: Your uncle asking about career plans.
NEW: Your uncle asking for career advice.
OLD: Figuring out what temperature to cook the turkey at.
NEW: Figuring out who’s vaccinated.
OLD: Going around the table and saying what you’re thankful for.
NEW: Going around the table and trying not to say anything about Donald Trump.
OLD: Watching the parade balloons on TV.
NEW: Watching the Barney balloon die on YouTube.
OLD: Grandma showing everyone Facebook photos of the grandkids.
NEW: Grandma showing everyone Meta AI photos of Barack Obama strangling a baby seal.
OLD: Snapping the turkey wishbone and wishing for world peace.
NEW: Dispensing with such childhood naiveties.
OLD: Sitting at the kids’ table.
NEW: Staring wistfully at the kid’s table, resenting the way time has forced you into so-called adulthood.
Turkey Week Shouts!
A big thank you and shoutout to our Chortle’s newest paid subscriber, Jordan J. I deeply appreciate the support, especially as the holidays approach. Your subscription helps us keep publishing funny stuff! 🙏🙏🙏
MORE FROM CHORTLE
What your favorite Thanksgiving dish says about you
We all deserve a rich holiday meal filled with once-a-year treats, followed by a tipsy evening spent dissociating from reality. But it’s important to be mindful of the messages you send when attending a holiday gathering. In that spirit, I’ve prepared this helpful guide to better understanding your own tastes.
My Thanksgiving Gratitude List
Thanksgiving is a time to gather, give thanks, and definitely not talk about what really happened between the Pilgrims and the Native Americans, so don’t even think about it. Accountability is for another day; this one’s for POTATOES PREPARED IN A VARIETY OF WAYS.
Now I hear Trump is planning on recalling last year's pardoned turkeys to active military service
OLD: Going for the "cousin walk" 1 hour before the meal to smoke a J
NEW: Vaping in the bathroom 10min before the mal and exhaling in Aunt Kathy's hand towels