What your favorite Thanksgiving dish says about you

Better understanding your palate this holiday season.

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a feast. We all deserve a rich holiday meal filled with once-a-year treats, followed by a tipsy evening spent dissociating from reality. But it’s important to be mindful of the messages you send when attending a holiday gathering. In that spirit, I’ve prepared this helpful guide to better understanding your own tastes.

What your favorite Thanksgiving dish says about you

Turkey: “I made the turkey.”
The only sensible reason anyone would pick turkey as their favorite dish is because it was the result of their own laborious ordeal. Let’s face it: in any non-Thanksgiving context, turkey is a third-tier protein—on par with whitefish or tofu. There’s a reason it’s traditionally served with a dump truck’s worth of other food: necessary distraction.

Mashed Potatoes: “I’m grabbing at least two helpings.”
Anybody who comes to Thanksgiving primed for mashed potatoes and gravy is ready to carboload. The fact is that most of us don’t get enough mashed potatoes in our everyday lives—and that’s true no matter how much you have mashed potatoes. So it makes perfect sense to eat several pounds worth this holiday.

Stuffing: “I am shrewd and full of sage wisdom.”
Stuffing lovers have an innate understanding of what is special about Thanksgiving: bread cooked in fatty meat juice. Out of all the once per year holiday dishes, stuffing is the one that most deserves a more frequent spot on the food calendar.

Casserole: “I am from the Midwest.”
Casserole lovers want a heavy plate. Nothing is getting skipped. Pile on the green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole, and anything cheese-laden. Then find a comfy spot and don’t stand up again for three hours. At that point, it won’t even matter what your favorite Thanksgiving food is because it’s all forming a cannonball inside you anyway.

Cranberry Sauce: “I don’t like Thanksgiving.”
Cranberry sauce is among the weirdest foods in existence. It’s like anti-salsa. I don’t want to hear any defense of its place in Thanksgiving tradition. And I say that as someone who kinda enjoys it.

Pumpkin Pie: “I am a psycho.”
If you weren’t aware before now, I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you. But you love vegetable pie.¹ Hey, at least it has the same texture as scrambled eggs! The best way to make pumpkin pie delicious is to cover it in whipped cream—the same tactic you would in fact use if forced to eat a plate full of dog turds.

Sorry pumpkin pie-heads, but the unsubscribe button is right there 😤

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1. I’m aware that squash is technically a fruit. But it’s a vegetable culturally, you know what I mean?