My Thanksgiving Gratitude List

When the going gets tough, the tough get grateful.

Photo by Megan Watson on Unsplash

Thanksgiving is a time to gather, give thanks, and definitely not talk about what really happened between the Pilgrims and the Native Americans, so don’t even think about it. Accountability is for another day; this one’s for POTATOES PREPARED IN A VARIETY OF WAYS.

It may seem that times are tough, but that’s precisely when we need gratitude the most. All it takes is a little perspective shift to see how good we really have it! So in the holiday spirit, I’ve really dug deep to acknowledge what I’m thankful for this year.

I’m so grateful that all my friends are having babies. Babies are cute! Plus, friendship is overrated, and it’s totally fine that no one hangs out with me anymore. I'm actually very unbothered by that!!!

I feel lucky to live with a dog who’s won so many awards, like Littlest Teeth in America, #1 Baby of My Heart, and Second Runner-Up Junior Prince Weasel Boy.

Alfie Forman — not to be confused with Mack Darling Nix.

I’m so thankful that I’m a millennial, because it’s taught me not to grow too attached to things like money or hope.

I’m grateful to NPR hosts for making me feel like I have a normal voice.

I feel indebted to astrology for allowing me to blame my absolute worst behavior on a bunch of stars, lightyears away, kiiiiinda lookin’ like a sea goat, which is definitely not a made-up animal.

I owe a lot of thanks to the Internet for providing a steady flow of dank memes.

I feel incredibly lucky that everyone I go on a date with seems to be in an open relationship and only looking for something casual. It’s like micro-dosing love! Cuz who would want a full serving of that?!

I’m particularly thankful for demented phone game ads because I now know that to keep the shivering baby warm, I must fix the broken window.

I’m lucky to live in a country with not one but two Dakotas. Now that’s a lotta Dakotas.

I’m thankful for ants, because ants never tried to take away my reproductive rights.

I’m thankful I was alive to witness RayGun compete in the breakdancing Olympics. I still don’t fully understand what happened there, but I think about it all the time.

I am filled with gratitude that I, a grown woman, still don’t know where I’m supposed to buy underwear. This sense of childlike wonder within me must be protected at all costs.

I feel thankful that I didn’t get busted for vaping in the theater during Avatar: The Way of Water.

I’m thankful that the mayor of this California mountain town is a golden retriever named Max.

I’m thankful that I got a surprise visit from Mayor Max II at my bachelorette party.

I’m grateful that I got to have a bachelorette party even though I ended up calling off that wedding. Highly recommend spending a weekend being celebrated by a bunch of your friends for, what turns out to be, no reason whatsoever!

I’m sad that Mayor Max II died like a year later.

But I’m thankful they elected a new dog named Mayor Max III! #Nepawtism

Most of all, I’m grateful to you, dear Chortlehead! Happy Thanksgiving!

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