It's me, a movie you just said you've seen (even though you haven't)

Why did you do that?

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Come on, man! Your conversation was going fine. Then suddenly, I get dragged into it?

Why did you say you’ve seen me when you obviously haven’t? Now, we’re going to have to fake our way through the rest of this thing together…

Let’s recap: your co-worker mentioned that he rewatched me on TNT last night. You said, “Nice.” (Great contribution, btw.) Then he asked, “Did you ever see that movie?”

Here is where you could easily have said, “No.” That’s a perfectly reasonable answer to a perfectly reasonable question. It’s also the truth. Instead, for some reason known only to your deep subconscious, you said, “Yeah, I think so. Most of it.”

What? What kind of answer is that, you equivocating dork?

Ok, let’s focus. He’s talking about me again. I think he just quoted a famous line. Jump in! Can you remember any lines from my trailer? Did you even see my trailer?

Forget it. Let’s try to pivot the conversation to a movie you have seen. Use an actor to get this convo back on firmer ground—we can Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon this shit. Do you know who starred in me? Probably Nicolas Cage, right? He’s in lots of stuff…

Nevermind. Start talking about a different movie from the same decade. Nice and broad. What decade was I made in? The 80’s? 90’s? Ugh, why are there so many decades!

Hmm, this guy is squinting at you. I think he’s getting suspicious.

Seriously, why didn’t you just say “no?” I understand that you have a compulsive need to be liked — I’m from Hollywood, after all — but maintaining this white lie has already exhausted your social battery for the day! What’s going to happen the next time you pass someone in the hallway? Chaos awaits!

One thing is for sure: it’s too late to be honest. That will only turn this thing from an awkward interaction into an unfortunately memorable ordeal. You only have one hope: nod silently until the conversation ends.

…

Good job. Great nodding.

Wow, this guy really likes me, huh? A bit too much, I’d say. They don’t run good movies at midnight on TNT, you know?

Just keep on nodding... He’s right. I definitely should have won Brett Ratner his first Oscar.

Oh, fuck this. Just pull the fire alarm. It’s what Nicolas Cage, who may or may not have starred in me, would do.

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