I Will Now Roast 12 Unsubscribers
How dare these specific people not love me?
Last week, I announced changes to Chortle’s publishing schedule and submission policy. This immediately led to a small wave of people clicking the cancel button (8 free subscribers and 4 paid subscribers, to be precise). I had anticipated something like this would happen1 and I understand why, but that doesn’t mean I have to be nice about it. In fact, I’m now free to insult these twelve people as thoroughly as I please—because they won’t see it.
Let me start by saying that I don’t think these unsubscribers are bad people. I think they’re horrible people. They cancelled their subscriptions to a comedy newsletter during one of the least funny weeks in American history! I mean, can you imagine a group of bigger dipshits? (Pretend ICE doesn’t exist for a second.) Enjoy whatever fresh hell replaces Chortle in your inbox, assholes… If you think I suck, wait until you get a load of The Free Press.
On the other hand, it’s possible these dummies don’t really have the attention span to read a 500-word email. Maybe they’ve all instead decided to return to their natural form of communication: flinging feces at each other while a zoologist takes notes. In that case, I wish them the best and very much hope that they each receive a big handful of shit straight to the eyehole.
If this all reads like sour grapes—you're goddamn right, they are! These grapes are atomic warhead-level, baby. I work my pale little butt off for this newsletter, and it sucks when people cancel! That’s right, they hurt my feelings, and I’m being honest about it just this once. Pucker up, bitches.
Of course, I understand that people have to occasionally adjust their financial priorities and even their media diets. I just didn’t realize that was also true for quasi-intelligent mole creatures who somehow gained access to a Substack account and were occasionally reading my emails. But apparently it applies to at least twelve of them!
In the end, I mostly feel bad for the folks who cancelled. Beyond the fact that they’re going to miss out on some good writing (tee hee), it’s probably generally difficult to be the kind of person who would get a forehead tattoo. I mean, their brains are obviously so smooth that they accidentally do stupid stuff all the time—lose their car keys, unsubscribe from hilarious newsletters, wander through the Capitol Building on January 6th.
So, if any of those cancellers somehow discover this post, let me close with well-wishes: I hope you find something engaging to do with your newfound free time, and I also hope your bosses at the carnival freak show give you time off to pursue it!
Big thanks!!!
There are three specific people I do NOT want to roast today. In fact, I’m hugely grateful to them for becoming paid subscribers last week after I explained the big changes: George N. and K.G. for upgrading their subscriptions, and Neil W. for becoming a founding LOLigarch!
I don’t want to be a drag, but last week was a tough one for several reasons, and your collective support really lifted my spirits. THANK YOU.
MORE ROASTS
I will now roast Elon Musk's haircut
Elon, you turd. You look like Nazi Tilda Swinton. In fact, real Nazis probably found out about this in Hell and got angry at you for making them seem like fucking dorks. Next time you’re aspiring to be a leader of men, aim for broader appeal than “Hitler’s gay friend.”
I will now roast each swing state
I know that the fabric of American society has many colors beyond red and blue. I know that the heart of even the most devoted Trumpist is not so different from mine. But let’s set all that aside for a moment and approach this from an overly simple, more cathartic angle: fucking swing state voters!
In fact, I had braced myself for worse—so thanks for sticking around, everyone!
Some might say this was overly harsh. I, personally, feel that you didn’t go far enough. They’ll never know the gravity of their mistake until you visit their homes and read this to their faces.
Happy to be here, Greg, my smiles and chortles give it away every time. Also, somehow I missed the roast of the swing states previously but loved it this morning.
--Wisconsinite