I will now roast each swing state
Please allow me to blow off some steam.
Donald Trump has claimed the US presidency for a second time—a fact that confuses and disturbs several different parts of my body. (Why are my toes tingling?)
The aftermath of Tuesday’s electoral disaster will be long and painful, but right now, I mostly find myself grappling with the fact that a voting majority of my fellow citizens did something I consider unfathomable. Again! At this point, I’m not foolish enough to believe that beating Trump would have solved any of the national deficiencies he’s come to represent. But, given his brazen criminality and declining faculties, I hoped that we would at least reject a return to the chaos of a Trump White House.
I know that the causes of Tuesday’s result are impossibly complex. I know that the fabric of American society has many colors beyond red and blue. I know that the heart of even the most devoted Trumpist is not so different from mine. But let’s set all that aside for a moment and approach this from an overly simple, more cathartic angle: fucking swing state voters!
Every four years, our collective well-being is at the mercy of approximately 500,000 jerkoffs spread across seven states. These precious flip-floppers are given undue attention lest their very special vote flee to the other side. Well, they done went and fled. (Again!) So now my kid gloves are coming off.
Let’s roast some states!
Pennsylvania, you slippery bitch. You will get the lion’s share of blame for this—and you deserve it! You are the birthplace of freedom and, it turns out, its graveyard. Everyone who lives in Philly1 or Pittsburgh would rather live in a better city, and everyone who lives in between would rather live in Florida. Little known fact: Pennsylvania is called the Keystone State because if you took away New Jersey, the whole place would collapse.
Fucking North Carolina. You like to think of yourselves as the “good” Carolina, which means you set the bar as low as possible—and still tripped on it! You were smart enough to reject the “black Nazi” but dumb enough to vote for the white one. Keep working at it, though; someday you’ll find the perfect balance of racism.
Hey Michigan, screw you. You people think you’re tough for surviving brutal winters? Wrong! You’re dumb. Move somewhere else! I’ve read that Michigan will actually be a good place to live after climate change—maybe that’s why you schmucks voted to hurry the whole process along. When every other place on Earth is uninhabitable, there will finally be a good reason to live in the Upper Peninsula.
Lookee here—it’s Georgia, calling itself a swing state. Really? Georgians are so conservative the only thing they love more than college football is Confederate statues. Georgians are so conservative they describe local historical sites as “the good ol’ days.” Georgians are so conservative they can only grow tobacco plants and ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ flag collections. Swing state, my ass.
Arizona, my native home, my birthplace—what the fuck??? I thought we were getting elections right these days! Apparently the sun has become so hot that it doesn’t just burn your skin—it melts your brain. In retrospect, collecting the country’s leftover retirees and window AC units all in one place wasn’t a great concept of a plan. Not to worry, it will all be on fire soon enough.
Get bent, cheeseheads! Wisconsin loves Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers, so I guess Trump is just another local hero with an impaired brain. Why is it even called Wisconsin when it could be called “six million people living in the most boring place on Earth?” Spending an hour there is like watching paint dry, but with less sense of purpose. I would rather live inside an active volcano than live in Wisconsin.
Nevada! Really?! We’re going to leave the fate of America to a state that has legalized prostitution, gambling, and professional koala fighting (I assume)? Pretty much the only things illegal in Nevada are things Donald Trump has done. Nevadans shouldn’t be allowed to vote at all! Their average IQ is “strawberry daiquiri!” Merge it with Oregon.
In conclusion: eat shit, up yours, get lost, go to hell, shove it, piss off, take a long walk off a short pier, I hate you all, you blew it.
Phew, that felt good to get out of my system! Try insulting a swing state in the comments. It might help.
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This is not true. I love Philadelphia.
I am as disappointed in the outcome as most people, but the way my home state of Pennsylvania and my life in particular have been badly hurt by stupid policies of the Democrats since Obama, I take umbrage with you lashing out at my home state where I still reside because they managed to mismanage energy policy to the detriment of most people who live here. My home county used to be 99% Democratic and went 76% for Trump. I didn't fwiw. Electric vehicles are foolish and we should be developing hydrogen powered autos, and renewables are not reliable particularly in extreme weather. And quite frankly, the perception is that the Party has forgotten us for things they consider more important starting with a booming urban economy while rural America is drying up and starving. Thank God for the Electoral College as well or urban America would dictate even worse policies for ys hillbillies. And both Parties are talking about Social Security and Medicare going broke when all they have to do is eliminate the cap on withholding for those making over what is now $165,000 I think. It really pisses me off every New Year's Day when I see a Manning or a Shaq doing one commercial and they are done contributing for the year. The markets are booming and the rich and middle class are doing well. But not so much for the poorer folk of this country., Confucius said and i paraphrase that you judge a civilizsation by how it treats its old and its young. By that measure, we fail miserably.