Please Buy Chortle For $150 Million Dollars
We suck at least 10% less than The Free Press.
To Whom It May Concern:1
You may have seen reports that Paramount is planning to acquire Bari Weiss’s newsletter The Free Press for $150 million and install her as the head of CBS News. In a related announcement, I’m pleased to reveal Chortle is available to purchase for the very same price!
The Free Press describes itself as a place for “honesty, doggedness, and fierce independence.” In practice, it’s a place where you can read several hundred articles about why college campuses are ruining America. Paramount is essentially shelling out millions of dollars for a newsletter that publishes the same dumb idea over and over again. For the same price, you can now purchase Chortle—a newsletter with new dumb ideas every single weekday! That’s incredible value.
Sure, Bari Weiss has greater name recognition than I do. On the other hand, I have never disagreed with my coworkers to the point that I had to leave a high-profile news organization. That alone makes me a more qualified news boss than her. Furthermore, Chortle has never published famine denial—we simply don’t have the resources for that type of conspiracy mongering.
Perhaps you’re a billionaire interested in purchasing a newsletter like The Free Press specifically because it panders to conservatives. Consider this: what better way to pander to the right-wing than by giving $150 million to me, an unqualified white guy?
Let’s put the price into perspective. $150 million is enough to fund dozens of local newsrooms or endow multiple journalism schools. You could buy several actual newspapers with real investigative capacity. You could even settle a spurious lawsuit with the president 9.375 times! Instead, Paramount is spending it on a newsletter that exists primarily to say “woke is bad” to people who already think that “woke is bad.”
So as long as people are giving extravagant money to newsletters that don’t deserve it, here’s my pitch: send me $150 million, and you become the brand new owner Chortle. Then give me a cushy job in whatever organization you run, where I’ll find new and exciting ways to embarrass both of us.
If that sounds confusing, just tell your lawyer to give me the Bari Weiss!
MORE FROM CHORTLE
We Apologize to the Following Republicans
It’s recently become clear that our understanding of the way in which jokes are protected by the first amendment was fundamentally flawed. Given this realization, Chortle hereby issues the following retractions and formal apologies, in hopes of pre-empting any future legal action.
Everyone Please Stop Saying I Suck Shit
I understand you’re upset about the Big Beautiful Bill. But let’s be clear. Yes, it primarily benefits the ultra-wealthy. Yes, it cuts vital programs. But that by no means indicates that I am “a gigantic bag of dicks!” Even if that were somehow true, my anatomy is unrelated to the pain this bill may or may not cause.
Mainly media conglomerates, wealthy entrepreneurs, and right-wing nepo babies.
Do you take Klarna?
I wish I could, but my dad said he could only lend me $50 million.
He sucks!