When Chortle was founded long, long ago in 2024, our editorial philosophy was grounded in the belief that satirical comedy enjoys robust First Amendment protections. This perception was reinforced each time that conservative America vigorously defended a controversial figure against cancellation by virtue of their right to free speech, which we thought to be the movement’s most earnestly held principle.
Boy, are we embarrassed! Following FCC Chairman Brendan Carr’s successful pressure campaign against Disney to suspend Jimmy Kimmel Live, it’s become clear that our understanding of the way in which jokes are protected by the first amendment was fundamentally flawed. Given this realization, Chortle hereby issues the following retractions and formal apologies, in hopes of pre-empting any future legal action:
After extensive consideration, we cannot conclusively prove that Vice President JD Vance is a “moon-faced turd burglar.” We regret the previous implication.
Secretary of State Marco Rubio is not “a slimy prick who can’t even drink a fucking water bottle without embarrassing himself.” The research staffer responsible for this oversight has been terminated.
While general reporting has confirmed that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. does “have worm diarrhea where his brain used to be,” we should not have deemed his body a “decaying insect farm” without first consulting agricultural experts.
Speaker of the House Mike Johnson has never been mistaken for “Matthew Broderick’s twee little brother.” The accompanying image was made in Photoshop.
White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller has “normal eyes” that often look “alive” and we apologize for suggesting otherwise. To further clarify, he does not resemble an “evil vizier” — it’s actually evil viziers who resemble him.
We profusely and repeatedly apologize to President Donald Trump for previously listing his gender as “dipshit.” Furthermore, the president’s ass in no way resembles “two rotten pumpkins shoved into a double-XL diaper.” Similarly, we now reject our previous assertion that to properly observe his penis requires an electron microscope. Finally, we no longer even remotely wish that “a large piano would fall on his head in such a way that his smile becomes replaced by piano keys and dizzy cartoon birds flap in circles above his head.”
We hope these retractions clarify our sentiments regarding each person listed. Chortle is proud to be a patch of glistening mud on the slippery slope to fascism.
NOTE: We still believe that former congressman Matt Gaetz is a pedophile, but will revise that opinion should he rejoin the federal government.
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Another huge corporation bends over backwards to please the Trump administration seemingly every day. That’s part of the reason we joined with 30+ other independent publishers for the Back Indie Media Drive.
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It's a nice Apology Playbook!
Another brilliant one, Greg. I’m laughing out loud…