Everyone Please Stop Saying I Suck Shit

A Transcript of Congressman Mike Flood's Town Hall Remarks

Representative Mike Flood, Republican of Nebraska, was not even 30 seconds into his prepared introduction at a town hall in Lincoln on Monday evening when the booing and the jeering began. Then it didn’t let up for over an hour. […] Mr. Flood, a second-term congressman who won his district last year by more than 20 points, soldiered through his slide show presentation. - New York Times

Everyone! Quiet down! We can disagree while still acting like civil adults, can’t we? I will address your concerns point by point if you allow me to.

Please! Stop saying I “suck shit” for a moment, and listen!

I understand you’re upset about the Big Beautiful Bill. But let’s be clear. Yes, it primarily benefits the ultra-wealthy. Yes, it cuts vital programs. But that by no means indicates that I am “a gigantic bag of dicks!” Even if that were somehow true, my anatomy is unrelated to the pain this bill may or may not cause.

Further, if you take a look at my slide presentation, you’ll see that cutting $1 trillion from Medicaid over the next decade is simply being fiscally responsible. This does NOT make me a “boot-licking corporate toadstool,” as someone so eloquently shouted. Corporations don't even have feet, let alone boots! And the suggestion that I'm some kind of “greedy piggy suckling at the milky teat of big business” is simply inaccurate. I'm lactose intolerant.

Next slide, please.

Ah, yes. This bill includes important provisions for our veterans. I mean, sure, we're also cutting nearly 30,000 VA jobs. But regardless of the overall pros and cons, I don’t personally “eat shit for breakfast while fellating oil executives!” I’m not sure how those two acts would even relate to one another!

I also want to address the controversial work requirements for SNAP benefits. When we say able-bodied adults must work to receive food assistance, we're talking about basic American values. This does not make me—and I quote from the very loud woman in the back—a “parasitic ass-licking wealth simp.” You may not be aware, but that comment is deeply offensive to parasites, who serve important ecological functions! Meanwhile, I'm just a congressman trying to explain why reducing food assistance for 12 million children is actually quite reasonable when you think about it.

Next slide.

Now, regarding the tax cuts for billionaires—yes, this bill will save approximately $400 billion annually for the wealthiest Americans. But describing me as a “piss-drinking oligarch fluffer” is both vulgar AND ignorant! I don’t fluff oligarchs; they have their own people for that.

Let me set the record straight: supporting legislation that transfers $2 trillion from working families to billionaires while gutting healthcare and food assistance does NOT make me a “soulless braindead brown-nosing complete fucking dickwad!”

I have a soul. I go to church. (Sometimes.)

If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you guys don’t like me or the policies I represent at all. So FINE! Maybe I’ll just leave! Maybe you don't deserve to hear my carefully prepared presentation about why your suffering is actually good for the economy!

…Oh, NOW you cheer? NOW you applaud? Well, that's very telling about the state of American society today.

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