Marie Kondo’s Guide to Doomsday Prep

Some helpful advice for these trying times.

Nov 12, 2024

Editor’s Note:

Rachel Forman

is off this week to go make her short film! In her place, we have a very exciting guest post from famed self-help guru Marie Kondo.1

Recently, I find myself receiving more and more questions from American readers asking how to prepare for global doomsday scenarios. As with any other moment of transition, it is essential that we do not become overwhelmed by clutter. I hope this guide will help you prepare for catastrophe in a way that sparks joy.

Step 1: Commit Yourself to Surviving Mindfully

First, set an intention. Imagine your ideal post-apocalyptic lifestyle: Is it rugged or resourceful? Do you live on the highways with a small band of outlaws? Or are you more comfortable quietly surviving in a remote cabin with an array of homegrown mushrooms as your only companions? By defining this vision, you can better understand what survival supplies truly spark joy.

Step 2: Collect Supplies by Category, Not by Location

A cluttered bunker is a stressful bunker. Just because you live underground now doesn’t mean you must surround yourself with stacks of firearms and pornography. Start your supply list with essentials, such as clothes, food, and medicine. Then proceed to what I call “komono,” or miscellaneous items—water filtration systems, solar chargers, and highly valuable seeds. An organized home will help you resist the urge to declare yourself god-king of the American wasteland.

Step 3: Ask Yourself, “Does This Spark Survival?”

As we evaluate our emergency kits, remember that survival is also a feeling. When you hold each item, ask yourself, “Does this spark survival?” A can of beans? Yes! Your FEEL THE BERN t-shirt from 2016? Probably not.

Step 4: Clothes that Bring Warmth and Joy

For clothing, I encourage you to focus not only on function but also on joy. Choose pieces that offer both the tranquility and defensive capability you’ll need to survive through the cold nights. A well-made wool sweater will keep you warm, yes, but how does it make you feel during a knife fight in the rubble of San Jose? If it’s scratchy or it exposes your organs for easy black-market harvesting, now is the time to say goodbye.

Step 5: Sentimental Items – Only the Ones That Truly Matter

As we approach the end of our doomsday prep journey, we come to the most challenging category: sentimental items. I suggest you keep only those things that are essential to your identity. Perhaps one family photo, a book that inspires resilience, or a valued family heirloom that can double as a blunt object. Consider the potential weight of each item. We do not want to carry the burdens of the past, literally or metaphorically, into unknown territory.

Step 6: Show Gratitude for the Possessions You’ve Sacrificed

As you choose essentials, thank each item you leave behind for its service. Hold it gently, say “Goodbye, blender,” then estimate how many bartering chits it will get you from the local Commandant.

Congratulations. You have created a bunker—or perhaps just a tidy hobo bindle—filled with items that will help you adapt and thrive, even as the world grows uncertain. May your journey be filled with warmth, clarity, and exactly the right amount of canned goods.

New Paid Subscriber Perk!

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So without further ado, the new perk is… a monthly raffle! All paid subscribers will be automatically entered into a giveaway raffle every month. And the prize will be something new and exciting each time. This month, we’re giving away ten Chortle fridge magnets to ten different subscribers. The magnets are inspired by Christmas and mocked up below.

If you’re already a paid subscriber, you don’t have to do anything to enter. If not, upgrade by November 30th for your chance at this festive Chortle goodie.