DOGE Is Now Hiring Complete Assholes
We are actively seeking unbalanced freaks who lack basic human empathy!
Are you a tech-obsessed reactionary with no real-world experience? Does your idea of disruption include deleting essential government databases without reading them first? Has your family cut off contact with you, simply because one of your blog posts was deemed hateful by the Southern Poverty Law Center?
Have we got a job for you!
About The Role
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) is seeking next-generation thought leaders to bring a “move fast and break things” attitude to America’s nuclear arsenal.
We're building a team of young, forward-thinking eugenicists to work on mission-critical projects. The ideal candidate is a paradigm-shifting innovator ready to streamline bloated government concepts like civil rights and public education. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why should poor children get lunch?” then you’re exactly what we need.
As a special employee with DOGE, you’ll do hands-on work toward the creative destruction of the U.S. government. Your days will be filled with exciting opportunities to fire hard-working experts. You'll pioneer new ways to eliminate government bloat, primarily defining bloat as “anything that helps people.”
Key Responsibilities
Authorize aggressive cost-cutting measures across vital infrastructure
Streamline federal staffing with randomized employee deletion protocols
Implement automated discrimination systems for maximum efficiency
Identify and eliminate
redundancies inthe food safety systemOptimize government websites by removing Spanish-language options
Migrate critical payment systems to Diablo IV-based platform
Maintain robust departmental podcast schedule
Required Qualifications
Age 19-24
No formal education in public policy, government, science, or history
Permabanned from a minimum of 3 subreddits
MUST believe every government function could be replaced by a subscription app
“Extremely hardcore”
Preferred Qualifications
Deep conviction that every complex system could be fixed by making it simpler
Extensive understanding of the Rick and Morty universe
Strong opinions about age-of-consent laws
Our Culture
At DOGE, we foster an innovative environment where the anti-social can truly thrive. Our open floor plan encourages constant eye contact with your fellow psychopaths. We offer a competitive government salary (pending the elimination of traditional currency). And, of course, all roles come with the opportunity to snort Adderall next to the richest man in the world.
Ready to disrupt the fundamental institutions of American democracy? Apply now with your resume and a link to your most problematic tweet!
I love this. Unfortunately, I think it's the real application they work from...just change the wording a bit to make it seem "normal".
I thought this was supposed to be satire, Gregory. Isn't this just the real job description? 🫠😭😭😭😭