Crooks Reflect: "We've Come A Long Way"

How America's criminals found freedom (from consequences)

Across America, a new sentiment is emerging among the nation’s elite wrongdoers. From Manhattan penthouses to Silicon Valley compounds, fat cats and crooks are experiencing what many describe as “unprecedented optimism.” A series of interviews with prominent financial criminals reveals a striking consensus: there's never been a better time to break the law.

“It's just extraordinary how far we've come,” says Warren Hollister, CEO of VaporMed, a thinly-veiled money laundering front for the Saudi government. “Only a few years ago, we were under constant threat from regulators, accountability mechanisms, and the rule of law. Now… well, it’s nice to know America recognizes the value of white collar crime again.”

This newfound confidence spans industries and criminal specialties. Teddy Waxman III, third-generation CEO of Waxman Lumber, recently eliminated his lumber department as part of a pivot from producing fine hardwoods to initiating a crypto pump-and-dump scheme. “Screwing my workers over like this is something my grandfather could have never dreamed of,” said Waxman.

For many, the shifts in cultural attitudes feel nothing short of revolutionary. Carrie Montgomery, whose prison sentence for what prosecutors called “defrauding Medicare out of $340 million” was recently commuted, seems genuinely moved.

“I spent three whole weeks in a minimum-security facility before my pardon,” Montgomery explains. “I’ll never get that time back. But it’s a small price to pay if it means America is finally ready to let sociopaths run wild.”

The business climate for wrongdoing has rarely been better, according to Spencer Rothwell, who recently pivoted from hedge fund management to what he calls “high-level tax fraud.”

“It’s actually nice to describe my business for what it is,” says Rothwell, as his Hungarian bodyguard brings him a Zima. “It simplifies things for everyone, especially the victims.”

When reached for comment, a consumer protection advocate with the Department of Commerce offered a series of panicked blinks.

Looking ahead, America's criminal class expresses nothing but confidence. “The beauty of our current situation,” concludes Hollister from his newly acquired mountain lair (formerly Yosemite National Park), “is that we've finally escaped the tyranny of consequences. It took centuries, but at last, America understands that laws are just for the poor.”

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