Coming Soon to the Kennedy Center!
A sneak peek at President Trump's "Vision for a Golden Age"
New writer alert! CT Jackson is a former U.S. government lackey turned humorist and author of two satirical books, as well as the newsletter . He is persona non grata in over 30 countries and spends his time in Germany.
President Trump toured the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts on Monday, marking his first visit since he appointed himself chairman and fired members of the board who he said “do not share our Vision for a Golden Age in Arts and Culture.”
That vision has begun taking shape over subsequent weeks. Left-leaning artists and shows like Hamilton have canceled their previously scheduled performances at the venue. Meanwhile, Trump ally and human puffer fish Steve Bannon announced that the J6 Prison Choir, twenty men who were arrested for storming the Capitol, will perform on Washington’s most venerable stage. And the president has indicated he wants there to be a “big celebration of Christ” during Christmas.
Thanks to our deep network of connections inside the beltway, Chortle has discovered a draft list of further Kennedy Center events planned for the next few months. Get ready to celebrate America—our Golden Age is Here!
APRIL
Tosca starring Kid Rock
Puccini’s famous three-act opera is coming back to the Kennedy Center. This time, the tenor role of Mario Cavaradossi will be “sung” by “musician” Kid Rock opposite lead soprano Roseanne Barr.
National Symphony Orchestra presents Russian National Anthems Only
Join us for a historic evening of symphonic excellence as the National Symphony Orchestra performs a carefully curated selection of Russian patriotic anthems personally suggested by Tulsi Gabbard. Selections include a translation of the Soviet National Anthem provided by Don Jr.
A Salute to White Jazz
Enjoy an evening of smooth sounds in a safe, controlled environment where no one has to discuss uncomfortable historical realities. Join us for a collection of incredible jazz songs by white people, with no further context whatsoever.
MAY
Il Trovatore
Our second Italian opera of the season is a revival of Verdi’s masterpiece, Il Trovatore. Lee Greenwood stars as Conte di Luna, joined by Billy Ray Cyrus as Manrico and Roseanne (somehow available again!) as Azucena. The original Italian has been updated to English with stereotypical Italian-American accents in honor of President Trump’s mafia ties.
Elon Musk and the DOGE boys choir
DOGE has developed an AI to remix fifty Christian rock songs into a “legendary” trance track that honors the president instead of Jesus Christ. VIP members will be treated to a special Q&A with Elon and “Big Balls.”
The Mar-A-Lago Contemporary Ballet
This newly formed company, recognized by Newsmax for “its new, exciting vision of human movement,” will perform the famed Trump Dance to “Y.M.C.A” for three straight hours.
JUNE
UFC Fight Night: Killikov vs. Murderiño
Alpha-male brawling comes to the Eisenhower Theater. Sponsored by Budweiser.
Les Misérables
This show changed the world of musical theater during its original pre-Broadway run at the Kennedy Center in 1986. Now, the award-winning phenomenon returns with an even more phenomenal cast: Joe Rogan, Charlie Kirk, and Ben Shapiro star in what critics are calling “the death of irony.” Download the cast’s accompanying podcast, which explains that the French Revolution was actually a deep-state false-flag operation.
The Sound of Music (Remixed)
Sixty-five years after its original stage debut, this critically acclaimed North American tour of The Sound of Music will transport a new generation of theatergoers to the hills of Austria. But in a brand new ending, the Von Trapp family is stricken with “economic anxiety” and aligns with the Third Reich, ensuring a happy ending for… some of the characters!
All events, performances, fight nights, and “artistic” decisions have been personally approved by President Trump while he was on the toilet. Tickets available exclusively on TruthSocial.
SHOUTS!
Editor’s note: Big, yuuuuuge thanks to our most recent paid subscribers, CJ and Susan S.
I mean it at least this forcefully, if not moreso.
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-A play about a plane load of Venezuelan immigrants who make an emergency landing in Palm Beach which inspires a production of “Go From Away.”
-Best drama revival “Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Dr Jill Has Hung You in the Closet and She’s Feeling Oh So Bad”—also featuring Hunter singing “I Beg Your Pardon, I Only Shot Up in the Rose Garden”
Make that Amy Coney-Barrett who gets her hyphen removed live on stage (damned auto-spell)