Chortle's Stock Tips of the Day

Strategic Investments for the Post-Tariff Economy

As markets continue their wild ride following the latest round of tariffs, investors are rightfully asking, “Where can I put my money so that it won't evaporate on a presidential whim?” While conventional wisdom suggests diversification, Donald Trump’s recent actions are proving many of the old rules of the game obsolete. Here are our top stock picks for the savvy investor who understands that unprecedented volatility is the new normal.

BEAN (Heritage Bean Works Ltd)

Currently trading at $4.72, this overlooked commodity play offers tremendous upside in our new tariff-riddled landscape. While high-profile tech stocks fluctuate based on the political tides, canned beans maintain their value and flavor profile across multiple decades. As noted economist Dr. Harold Canfield explains, “Beans offer the only reliable dividend in a post-collapse economy: calories.” We're particularly bullish on their new Cool Ranch recipe. Strong Buy.

MSKS (NovaBarrier Face Masks)

Trading at $23.17, this healthcare innovator represents a rare certainty in the current chaotic market: respiratory illness is about to have its bull run. While we can't predict what a loaf of bread might cost next month, we can absolutely count on HHS's new Measles Is Sad But Unpreventable initiative to create unprecedented opportunities in the personal protection sector. Financial analyst Derick Hammersmith writes, “We're no longer asking if there will be another pandemic, but rather which quarter will have the most profitable one.” Our models suggest Q3 looks particularly virulent this fiscal year. Strong Buy.

SNOG (The Snake Oil Group)

Trading at $41.88, this wellness disruptor has brilliantly repackaged 1892’s favorite cure-all for the TikTok generation. Market analyst Petra Donovan notes, “They've transformed snake oil from a punchline to a Goop-approved status symbol by adding turmeric and calling it Essential Snake Extract.” SNOG is perfectly positioned to thrive in what Secretary of Labor Lori Chavez-DeRemer describes as a “look ma, no hands” regulatory environment where consumer protections have been helpfully reclassified as “innovation barriers.” Even more helpfully, our own internal numbers suggest that there’s a new sucker born every minute. Strong Buy.

TIME (Industrailized Time Machine Solutions)

Trading at $67.32, this tech upstart represents perhaps the only growth sector in the otherwise decimated scientific research space. While federal funding for reality-based science has been slashed to pre-electricity levels, this company’s flagship prototype is attracting unprecedented private investment. Bloomberg columnist Eleanor Waltz writes, “When a society collectively realizes it's made a terrible mistake, time travel suddenly transforms from science fiction to fiscal necessity.” Whether you intend to skip past the next few years or travel back to prevent them, this stock offers hope in a hopeless world. Strong Buy.

TSLA (Tesla Inc)

SELL SELL SELL!!!!!!

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