An exclusive interview with the Booger from Trump's Desk

Washington's newest power player gets candid

Feb 24, 2025

“President Trump ordered the iconic Resolute Desk removed from the Oval Office for refurbishment after Elon Musk’s 4-year-old son, X, appeared to pick his nose and rub the desk on live TV last week.”
- New York Post, February 20th, 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The leather booth at Martin's Tavern makes a soft schlorp as my interview subject settles in across from me. He's smaller than I expected, barely visible against the dark upholstery, but his presence in the capital's power circles is outsized.

This particular piece of nasal discharge—harvested from the right nostril of X Æ A-12 Musk and ceremonially deposited on the White House’s historic Resolute Desk—has suddenly become Washington's most talked-about slimeball since John Edwards. His surprise appearance prompted the temporary removal of the iconic desk, marking the first time in modern history that a booger has directly influenced the decision-making of the Executive Branch.

"Just water," he tells our waiter, though he doesn't touch it when it arrives. He's a slimy customer, at home in the greasy dealings of D.C. politics despite his humble origins in the nasal cavity of a four-year-old. But then again, not just any mucus globule could pick his way directly into the Oval Office. (Though, as he points out, the bar for access has changed lately.)

As we sit in the same booth where JFK proposed to Jackie—a historical significance not lost on my guest—it's clear this piece of nose gold sees his desk debut as the start of a long career in politics.

CHORTLE: You've had quite the meteoric rise. Did you ever imagine you'd end up inside the Oval Office?

X’S BOOGER: Look, every booger dreams of making it out of the nose. That's just a fact. But the Oval Office? [Chuckles moistly] You didn’t used to see boogers in the White House. You didn’t see any bodily excretions at all! Thankfully, this new administration is different. I mean, I’m literally made out of snot, and even I think Pete Hegseth is slimy.

C: Walk me through the historic moment. What was going through your mind as young X approached the desk?

XB: The thing about that moment is—everyone's focused on X's finger. But what they don't understand is I'd been positioning myself for days. You think it's an accident I ended up on the Resolute Desk and not, say, wiped on JD Vance? Please. I'm a tactician. And in this town, it's all about being in the right place at the right time.

C: Axios is reporting that you've formed a PAC—the Phlegm Action Committee. Any truth to that?

XB: I can neither confirm nor deny at this time. What I will say is that secretions have been left out of the political process for too long. It's time for big booger energy in Washington. Did you know that half of all DOGE-issued laptops are already covered in mysterious fluids? We just want to formalize that process.

C: The Resolute Desk has been temporarily removed for “refinishing.” Do you see this as a setback to your political aspirations?

XB: Setback? Please. I've already left my mark. Literally. This is just the beginning for boogers like me. The political climate has never been more favorable for the proudly disgusting.