An exclusive interview with a pole vaulter's bulge

Anthony Ammirati's private parts cost him at the Olympics.

Host country France has dominated these Olympics thanks to breakout stars like swimmer Leon Marchand and judoka Teddy Riner. But over the last few days, the bigger story has been a French athlete who didn’t medal: pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati, who went viral after his prodigious package caught on the crossbar, ending his dreams of Olympic glory.

Ammirati’s bulge has become the laughingstock of the Paris Games, a fact that seems to be weighing heavily on it when we first meet in a small patisserie near the Olympic Village. This groin was prepared for glory (and its accompanying penile perks). Instead, it has had to adjust to sudden Olympic infamy — a latter-day Richard (family) Jewell(s).

We leave the shop and stroll towards the Seine. The world’s most famous pole vaulting penis tries to keep a low profile, but it’s hard to avoid the gawking and gasps of passers-by. Nevertheless, I’m able to sneak a few questions in, which Ammirati’s bulge answers in a thick French accent as the sun sets over Paris.

---

CHORTLE: So, I guess the obvious question everybody wants to know is, disappointment aside… Are you flattered by the attention? I mean, you kind of have to be, right?

[The bulge sighs deeply and judgmentally, like only the French can. It silently lights a cigarette.]

CHORTLE: Ok, I guess that was an insensitive question.

BULGE: What the people at home do not understand is I am not insecure. Everyone already thought I am a big penis, you know? It was very clear because Anthony walks around in his tight little shorts for his track meets and so on. I did not need such publicity.

CHORTLE: So you would rather have completed the vault than gone viral?

BULGE: But of course! You do not know the amount of bouncing and sweating and itching we have gone through to make the Olympics! C’est terrible!

If we won maybe we could afford… how do you say… baby powder?

CHORTLE: Speaking of money, are you at all considering the reported offer of $250,000 to show yourself live on a French porn site?

BULGE: You will have to ask Anthony about that. I go where he goes.

But I am not shy. That is not the problem here. I simply do not wish to be known as a funny penis. This is a horrible, horrible thing for a penis.