An exclusive interview with Donald Trump's ear

The recovering presidential body part shares its perspective on Saturday's shocking events.

Crazy weekend, eh? The world spent most of Saturday memorializing beloved celebrity weirdo Richard Simmons. Then, bam! A gunman somehow evaded the Secret Service, scaled a building near Donald Trump’s rally in rural Pennsylvania, and fired several shots from an AR-15 — one of which hit the former president in his right ear. Three others were also hit, one of whom died.

Just like that, the whole country was turned upside down. Questions are swirling about how this will impact the upcoming election. Opinions are flowing about the health of the American body politic. (General consensus: not great.) Meanwhile, verified information about the whole situation seems to be coming out at a painfully slow dribble.

Of course, no one has had a crazier few days than the ear at the center of it all. This three-inch piece of cartilage on the side of Donald Trump’s head is no stranger to the unceasing attention bubble that surrounds the former president. However, in the past, this type of body part scrutiny has been isolated to Trump’s unique hair, his beautiful blue eyes, or his humorously small hands.

Now, Trump’s ear speaks with Chortle from a secure medical facility to share its exclusive perspective on Saturday’s attempted assassination.

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CHORTLE: Thanks for taking the time to talk with us. I imagine it’s been a scary few days. How are you?
DONALD TRUMP’S EAR: Honestly, I’m doing okay. Taking things one day at a time. It would be easy to focus on the negative, but I’m grateful to still be here and still be hearing. I owe a lot to our security team, my doctors, and, of course, the 4-mile-per-hour southwesterly breeze. It was a close one!

C: What do you remember about Saturday?
DTE: Not a lot, actually. We’ve done a million of these speeches, you know? Most parts of our body enjoy them, because of the adrenaline and whatnot. But I’ve heard everything a million times at this point, so I tend to zone out whenever Mouth gets rolling.

So, from my perspective, it was a totally normal rally. We were playing all the usual hits: “Make America great… build the wall… toilets are bad these days… I never met any of those women…” The crowd was loving it. Then, I felt a hell of a bee sting!

That’s what I thought it was at first, because one time I got stung by a bee on my friend Jeff’s island— [The ear’s PR rep leans in to interrupt. They both whisper briefly, then ask to move on to the next topic.]

C: This may be a stupid question, but will you be voting for Trump this fall?
DTE: What? No. No! You’re right; that was stupid.

First of all, I’m an ear. Second, no one hears more of what this guy says than me. Believe me: KEEP US AWAY FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.

C: I’m surprised you think that, even after Saturday. Some are speculating that this will play well for him politically.
DTE: That’s moronic. 327 Americans get shot every day, buddy. Do they all get to be president, too?

C: Fair point. So what’s next for you?
DTE: I’ve been approached about a book deal, and I’m also in talks to do a reality show. I can’t say which one, but it rhymes with The Schmasked Schminger. So let’s just say this isn’t the last you’ll be “hearing” from me…