Best Kept Secrets for Living to 100
The truth is revealed at last!
New writer alert! Fred White's fiction and humor have appeared in Better Than Starbucks, OffCourse Literary Journal, and The Thieving Magpie. He lives in Folsom, CA.
Chortle recently contacted centenarians around the globe, asking for their secrets to reaching 100 years old and beyond. Here are their responses.
Greta, 102, Thessaloniki, Greece
Add olive oil to everything you eat. Take daily snorts of it! Slather yourself in it!
Anna Maria, 106, Atlanta, GA
Record your pussycat’s purrs and play them back whenever you can’t sleep, or whenever you experience anxiety.
Suki, 103, Tokyo
Discipline yourself into filling your mind with chrysanthemums.
Arlene, 100, Tel Aviv
Experience terror vicariously by reading a Stephen King novel. And after each reading session, use the book for strengthening your arm and leg muscles.
Jeremy, 101, London
Kippers!
Craig, 101, Omaha, NE
There is no secret to a long life.
Janis, 105, Oslo
Drink green tea and knit booties for your great-grandchildren
Luis, 102, Guadalajara, Mexico
Raise iguanas.
Charlene, 104, Trenton, NJ
Role-play; become a different person each day; take delight in confounding your friends, family, neighbors with your unpredictable, ever-changing personae.
Andre, 102, Nice, France
Hike in the Alps and learn to yodel.
Charles, 102, Seattle, WA
First, resign yourself to the absurdity of existence in a meaningless, inexplicable universe. Second, grow radishes.
Loretta, 105, Hoboken, NJ
Every two or three days, dance the Watusi in your birthday suit. Snack on sardines in soybean oil on toasted dill rye.
Douglas, 101, Reno, NV
Write five-page letters in longhand to your grandchildren; and when they ask you why you won’t text them, reply with another round of five page letters.
Raoul, 102, Madrid
Consider the snail, how it meanders among the irises and gladiolas without any trepidation of being stepped on.
Luan, 103, Manila
Play ping pong and drink carrot juice.
Esmerelda, 107, Cairo
Raise scarab beetles. Let them crawl all over you whenever you feel fatigued.
Ludwig, 104, Bonn, Germany
Devote an hour’s daily perusal of the Kama Sutra.
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Mr. Manners' Advice for a Clean Getaway
Ah, summer is here again, that delightful season when we swap our cubicles for cabanas and our commutes for cocktails. Maybe you’re headed to a sun-soaked Mexican resort where the margaritas flow like waterfalls. Or perhaps you’re embarking on a great American road trip, where the open highway is your only guide. No matter your plans, one immutable truth remains: before you depart, you must clean your house.
Take no risks! Never leave your home! And please do not drive a car!
Another tip: NEVER sleep under ANY circumstances