Mr. Manners' Advice for a Clean Getaway

Make sure to tidy up before you take off this summer.

EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s our very first guest post! This is an exciting step toward one of my goals for Chortle, which I hope will become a platform featuring the work of many different writers and artists. (It’s also exciting because I don’t have to write anything today.)

Please welcome Dylan DiMaggio, aka Mr. Manners, who shares some important advice to consider before you travel this summer.

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Ah, summer is here again, that delightful season when we swap our cubicles for cabanas and our commutes for cocktails. Maybe you’re headed to a sun-soaked Mexican resort where the margaritas flow like waterfalls. Or perhaps you’re embarking on a great American road trip, where the open highway is your only guide. No matter your plans, one immutable truth remains: before you depart, you must clean your house.

We’re not talking about a cursory dusting or a quick vacuum. No, no. You need the kind of deep clean that would make Marie Kondo weep with joy. Every floor must be mopped until it gleams like the Chrysler Building. Clothing must be laundered, folded, and arranged with military precision. That gunky part of the sink you usually pretend doesn’t exist? It’s time to confront it head-on. Your home must sparkle like a jewel in the crown of domesticity.

Why? You ask. Nobody’s coming over…

And that’s the point! You want your house to be impeccable for when they don’t. It should be so immaculate that even the most audacious burglar would feel pangs of guilt for mussing it up. Picture it: one would-be thief turns to another and says, “We can’t rob this place. Just smell it.”

And if the unthinkable happens — say you take a hair-raising turn off a mountain road, or you board any Boeing aircraft — your next of kin can find solace in the pristine environment you left behind. They may mourn your passing, but they’ll do so while marveling at your impeccable housekeeping.

Because, really, who are we cleaning for? Ourselves? No, we clean for the peace of mind that comes from knowing that, come what may, our homes are pristine bastions of order in an otherwise chaotic world.

So grab that mop, channel your inner Martha Stewart, and scrub like your trip depends on it. Only then you can vacation in peace, knowing that a clean house awaits you. (And your suitcases full of dirty laundry, and the unmistakable aroma of a large pepperoni pizza, because, let’s face it, you’re too tired to cook on your first night back.)