Am I The Asshole: Toddler Edition
(Posted from Mommy's phone while she's in the bathroom crying)
New writer alert! Lindsey Smith is a scientist by day and humor writer by night. You can find her humor writing in McSweeney's, the Belladonna Comedy, and on her Substack, Lindsey Smith | Not Normal.
Note: r/AITA is a Reddit forum in which people tell stories about interpersonal conflicts and ask who was in the wrong (aka, “Am I The Asshole?”).
AITA for punching my mommy in the tit?
My mom asked me to brush my teeth, so I whacked her in the boob with a closed fist. It probably hurt because there's not a lot of padding there anymore, and I was using Legos as a brass knuckle. But she should never have asked me to brush before I was done with the bedtime candy that she said I couldn’t have.
Am I the asshole?
AITA for acting possessed by demonic rage when my mother forced me to go to school?
My mom made me go to preschool today. Naturally, I was mad about it, so I stripped off my clothes, went stiff, and made her carry me surfboard-style while I kicked and screamed, “YOU'RE THE WORST MOMMY EVER!” all the way into class. I could see all the teachers staring at her and whispering. But it’s not my fault! When she told me I had to go to school today, it caught me off guard because we’ve only been doing this for nine months.
Am I the asshole?
AITA for helping improve my mother’s physical appearance?
Today I made a big potion in the toilet using all of mommy’s expensive Sephora makeup that it took her years to research, test out, and purchase. Mommy was so angry. But grandma always whispers that makeup makes Mommy look like a crusty old hooker anyway, so I was really doing her a favor.
Am I the asshole?
AITA for getting my mommy fired?
We went to mommy's boss’s house for a work party! I peed my pants on the fancy suede couch, but when mommy asked, I said I just spilled water. I know that it will probably take mommy’s boss months to figure out where the pee smells are coming from, and when he finally does, he’ll most likely can her. But I didn’t lie: urine is mostly water.
Am I the asshole?
AITA for framing my mother?
Today, my mom got arrested. We were at the mall, and when she wasn't looking, I loaded up her purse with all sorts of fake gold jewelry from the bottom rack. When the alarm went off and a security guard pulled us over, I shouted, “Why did you do that, Mommy? You know that stealing is bad!” I know she didn’t technically shoplift, but she did commit an even bigger crime: refusing to let me watch Bluey on her phone in the store.
Am I the asshole?
EDIT: Wow, this post blew up! Thanks for all the advice, everyone. I just called Child Protective Services!
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"it caught me off guard because we’ve only been doing this for nine months" - 😂 This whole thing is so brilliant!
Assholes, the lot of ‘em! Hilarious. Especially the crusty old hooker ☠️