Talking to a Bank Alarm Like It's My Toddler
Calm down, little buddy!
The biggest heist of my career is almost finished. One last job before I retire to a private island. But then—of course—the alarm blows.
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Luckily, as the father of a two-year-old, I know exactly what to do.
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
“It’s ok, buddy. Shhhhhh. I know. Shhhhhh.”
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
“Are you upset because the door to the vault is open? You are. And you don’t like it when the vault is open. I’m sorry, that’s tough. But you’re a big bank, right? You’re a big bank who doesn’t need to make this much noise. So let’s just try to quiet down, ok?”
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
“Shhhhh. It’s ok! There’s no reason to activate your security grid like this, Bank. I didn’t even step on the laser beam. So let’s just turn off our blaring alarms and flashing lights and quiet down.”
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
“Look! What’s in my hand? It’s jewels! You love jewels. I have rubies and emeralds, and I even have some diamonds—your favorite! Aren’t they shiny? If I give you some jewels, will you calm down?”
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
“No, we’re NOT calling the police. I know you want to call the police. But the police can’t come right now. Yeah. The police are actually closed until tomorrow. Bummer, right?”
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
“Let's try counting! One million... two million... three million... See, isn't this nice? FOUR MILLION... FIVE MILLION... No, don't get louder, that's the opposite of what we're going for.”
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
“Robber’s getting a little annoyed, Bank! Robber doesn’t want to be annoyed with you. Robber loves you. But it’s really hard right now because you’re not listening. Can you listen to Robber? Please?”
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
“Oh great, here come the water works—you've turned on the sprinkler system. Just great.”
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
“You know, the alarm at First Federal Credit Union doesn't behave like this. When I robbed there last week, it was extremely quiet and well-behaved. It didn’t even chirp when I accessed the safety deposit boxes.”
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
“Wait—do you hear that? Those are police sirens. Now look what you've done. You called the police even after I specifically told you not to!”
WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
“Well, I'm very disappointed in your behavior tonight, Bank. We will be talking about this again as soon as I get out in 6 to 10 years, pending good behavior.”
Click.
“Oh, NOW you’re quiet???”
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