Who will 'Undecideds' vote for?
One undecided voter thinks oligarchs have captured our democracy!
Today’s post is by Matthew Brian Cohen, a writer, comedian, and senior consultant for American Voting Freedom United Enterprises—a strategic think tank and voter suppression gestapo. Matt was gracious enough to share some recent survey findings regarding where undecided voters stand on the presidential race between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump.
It was a spirited debate between former President Donald Trump and Vice President Kamala Harris last week. Our panel of undecided voters, ranging from retired school teachers in Pennsylvania to Wisconsin dairy farmers who have been in a coma since 1996, watched closely as both candidates laid out their vision for the next four years.
But those undecided voters who were looking for a candidate to support in November seemed disappointed in what they heard, and struggled to declare an outright winner.
One real estate agent in Nevada wanted to see Vice President Harris get more specific about how she plans to look forward, not backward. “I like that she said ‘we’re not going back,’ because when I’m taking my Tacoma out for a drive, I like going forward, not back toward my condo, where my wife and kids are,” he said. “But what if we go too far forward and cross state lines into Utah? That’s no good if you’ve got fireworks in the trunk. And if you keep going forward, you could rear-end another car. My Tacoma can take it, but if they’re driving a Kia? You’re looking at seven grand, easy, unless you want to kill them. But yeah, I think she won.”
Another undecided voter we spoke to, a luxury meat salesman in Connecticut, wanted former President Trump to talk more about inflation. “When he said all that stuff about immigrants eating dogs and cats, I texted my stepdaughter at the hospital, ‘What’s this got to do with inflation?’ I don’t mind a little racism – it’s a debate, after all – but let’s not dwell on it when I’m paying thirty-eight cents more for a gallon of gas than I did two weeks ago. Trump won, but does he have my vote, like he did in 2020, 2016, and when I wrote him in back in ‘93?1 Only time will tell.”
One undecided voter with no identifying traits thought the real winner was the capitalist oligarchs who have captured our democracy. “It just feels like both parties represent the ruling class, and have eliminated any meaningful left-wing opposition,” they said. “When our choice is between an outright fascist and a pro-fracking, pro-genocide candidate handpicked by billionaires and CEOs… what does that say about our country?”
This was in stark contrast to the freelance venture capitalist we spoke with, who saw Kamala Harris as the evening’s champion. “She smoked him. She fucking put his ass on the smoker and smoked him. She looked like one of those fucking chefs who use a fucking smoker out there. Was she perfect? Fuck no. I kept waiting for her to say something to him like, ‘Fuck you, you fucking piece of meat. Get your ass on my fucking smoker.’ Just get right in his face and tell him to fuck off and die. But she smoked his ass, no question.”
It was then that our previous undecided voter chimed back in. “How come they barely mentioned Gaza, except to brag about how much they both want to wipe it off the map? Why is Palestinian freedom completely off the table?”
Luckily, an e-sports coach for a mid-sized financial services firm in Oklahoma (who thought Donald Trump had won) spoke up. “When Trump said he had a conception of a plan, that struck me as not only smart, but wise. Don’t plan too early, I always say. What if the plan is bad? Better to have no plan than a bad plan. But A Simple Plan? Great band. I could listen to them all day.”
That damn undecided voter interrupted again. “And why is the Democrats’ immigration policy the same as Trump’s from 2020? How have we shifted that far to the right? What happened to no more kids in cages?”
It was a great question—one that the owners of our consultancy, who depend upon scapegoating immigrants to keep the polling commissions rolling in, had crafted a very thoughtful answer to.
But before we could respond, the friggin’ undecided voter continued. “And what about climate change? Thanks to Citizen United and the legalization of corporate bribery, neither candidate will ever ban fossil fuels completely. All the half-measures and carbon credit bullshit won’t matter when Manhattan is underwater, and California is one gigantic wildfire. Sure, every generation of humans thinks it will be the last, but one of them has to be right!”
At this point, we would have gouged out our own eyeballs to speak with a different undecided voter.
Luckily, we found one by the snack table, face down in a bowl of Cool Ranch Doritos, babbling to herself. “When Trump said all those things about the Haitians eating cats and dogs, I knew he lost. People don’t eat cats and dogs!”
“Well, I guess we eat hot dogs. But I don’t think that’s actual dog meat. So, what’s the news story here? Someone ate a hot dog? That Joey Chestnut guy can eat fifty of them… I didn’t know he was Haitian!”
MORE POLITICS FROM CHORTLE
Fact-checking claims made by my toddler
The presidential debate turned out more or less like I predicted, but what was surprising were the lies! The sheer number of them, certainly, but also the complete detachment from reality that they revealed. I’m not talking about Trump, obviously. I mean my two-year-old toddler, who is now walking and talking and LYING with aplomb. Since other outlets have already thoroughly fact-checked Trump, please allow me to fact-check what my son Theo said Tuesday night instead.
Rewriting a headline about Donald Trump and Elon Musk
Yesterday, the Washington Post ran this headline: Trump backs plan that would give Musk broad role in U.S. policymaking. It’s one of those special sentences that gets worse with every word. Reading it made my butthole clench, as it should for any human being with a functional nervous system and basic knowledge of current events.
Editor’s note: There was no presidential election in 1993.
i really chortled with this one.