Welcome Aboard, Please Make Yourself Uncomfortable
Our airline is now worse than ever before!
Welcome to EastWest Airlines! Please make yourself as uncomfortable as possible.
As you board the plane, you'll notice that recent upgrades to our fleet have helped create a more optimized flying experience, starting with seats that are smaller and less comfortable than ever before.
Each chair was originally designed for children, then made smaller. Once we’re in flight you may recline exactly three inches, which won’t make you more comfortable but will definitely annoy the person behind you.
Before taking your seat, load large carry-on luggage into the overhead bin, assuming you paid $35 bucks for something that used to be free.
In your seatback pocket, you can find your knees.
Please direct your attention to our flight attendants as we demonstrate what to do if the plane deconstructs mid-flight, which we acknowledge is an increasingly likely possibility.
We offer beverages for purchase in small, wide cups only. If you're concerned about spilling your drink, simply place this tiny dog bowl on the extremely rickety table in front of you. In the event of spillage, we have one napkin available for the entire aircraft.
You can now connect to Wi-Fi during your travels! One hour of access costs exactly as much as your monthly Comcast bill and operates at a speed commonly associated with Windows 95.
We know you have a choice when you fly, so we're grateful that our ticket price was seventeen dollars cheaper than our nearest competitor.
Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the miracle of flight, which we’ve somehow transformed into the worst thing you’ll experience this month!
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On my flight home from NYC on Monday, I spent the first 45 minutes trying to access the plane's wifi. The instructions onscreen led to a webpage that said the plane's ISP was down: "Corrupt." Meanwhile, my wife landed on some phishing site that immediately spammed her phone with ads. She literally had to power off her phone to escape the shitshow. I showed the flight attendant the error message, and she rolled her eyes so hard, the pilot had to re-level the aircraft.
"You have to turn on Cellular." Okay. "But turn *off* Wifi." Oh, off. "But now turn on Airplane Mode." Okay. "But now open a webpage and type 'Wi-fi' with a hyphen." Okay, but the network doesn't have a hyphen? "Right. And now that you've opened the page, turn *off* Airplane Mode. God, you're so old."
This airline was in the news today, BTW.
tiny dog bowl lolol