Welcome to HBO-Paramount-Disney-Plus-eBay-on-Prime®️
Let's get streaming!
EDITOR’S NOTE: This piece was originally published last year, but I think it’s worth revisiting after word broke this week that HBO Max and Paramount+ will merge following Paramount’s purchase of Warner Bros.
Also! Unrelated, but important: Don’t forget to sign up to get free Chortle stickers in the mail. Click right here.
Hi there, and welcome!
We’re thrilled to have you as part of the new HBO-Paramount-Disney-Plus-eBay-on-Prime®️ family. You’ve made an excellent choice, and we can’t wait for you to experience everything our streaming service has to offer.
Your Membership at a Glance:
You’re now enrolled in our Cheapskate With Ads plan at just $27/month—an incredible value! This tier unlocks an entire universe of shows that are interrupted every seven minutes for an ad break.
This used to be known as cable television. But it’s not! It’s streaming.
What’s Included:
Your subscription unlocks 47,000 titles, 32,000 of which are different versions of Spider-Man. Platforms like ours used to be overflowing with new and interesting content, but nowhere has that dream been betrayed more deeply than right here at HBOPD+eBMoP®️.
Don’t worry, though, because we still have all your old favorites! (As long as we haven’t deemed them more profitable to write off our taxes.)
And new shows still appear every once in a while—keep an eye out for exciting originals like Law & Order: Star Wars and Yet Another Baking Competition.
Add Sports to Your Plan:
Love sports? Upgrade to our Max Sports Plus package for a $49/month upcharge and gain access to premium matchups featuring all your favorite powerhouse teams from Cincinnati, Orlando, Charlotte, and San Antonio. Matchups air live every third Tuesday at 2 PM ET. (Please note: Blackout restrictions apply to any game you actually want to watch.)
Questions? We’re Here to Help!
Need to cancel your account? Simply visit Settings > Account > Billing > Legacy Platform Migration > Why Are You Leaving Us > Are You Sure > Please Don’t Go > Baby Killer > Confirm.
Happy streaming! 😍
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If the Max Sports Package doesn't include the World Baseball Classic, I'm out
HBO-Paramount-Disney-Plus-eBay-on-Prime®️, where you'll never be able to actually watch anything because we force you to log into each different app, but none of them are connected to each other or across devices. Have fun spending the next 5 years of your life in the vortex of hell of password resetting!