Complete This Nearly Impossible Questionnaire To Get Our Bathroom Key

Don't even ask about the wifi password.

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Thank you for downloading the White Whale Coffee Bathroom app. Please complete the following questionnaire to receive our bathroom key.

Are you a customer?
(A) “Yes.” - Please proceed.
(B) “No.” - Please leave and never return.

Are you sure you don’t just want to hold it?
(A) “Now that you mention it, I do want to hold it.” - Goodbye.
(B) “No, this is an emergency.” - Please proceed.

Be honest, did you consider abandoning this questionnaire to sneak into the bathroom while that last guy was walking out?
(A) “Yes, sir. I’m sorry.” - Thank you for your honesty. You are hereby banned from using our bathrooms.
(B) “No, of course not.” - Hmm, ok. Proceed with caution.

Please enter your Netflix login information.
(A) “Entered.” - Please proceed.
(B) “I don’t have Netflix.” - We’re sorry but our bathrooms are out of order.

Are you OK with holding the grimy stick attached to the key that hasn’t been cleaned since we opened 12 years ago?
(A) “Yes, I’ll wash my hands in the bathroom.” - Please note that we are out of soap.
(B) “I think I’ll just go in the alley.” – Good.

Still here? Weird. Please bring your ID and a $40 deposit to the nearest barista.
(A) “Submitted.” - Please proceed.
(B) “Submitted ID, but I do not have cash on me.” - Please leave and note that we have already sold your ID to underage teens trying to buy alcohol.

Deposits confirmed. Enter the last 4 digits of your social security number.
(A) “Entered.” - Please proceed.
(B) “Can I skip this?” - No bathroom worth using comes easy. Get out.

Enter the first 5 digits of your social security number.
(A) “Entered.” - Please proceed.
(B) “I’d rather not.” - If you can’t trust us with your identity, then we can’t trust you with our toilet. Goodbye.

You’re almost there! Enter your email address to opt in to our bathroom newsletter, The Bathroom Bugle.
(A) “Subscribed” - Please proceed.
(B) “It’s too late. I have already soiled myself.” - We’re pretty sure it’s illegal to do that in public. Your image and biometric data have been sent directly to the FBI.

Prove you are human by solving the following math problem: Two trains are traveling towards each other from 400 miles away. Train A is traveling at 30 mph, train B is traveling at 45 mph. Both are carrying 700 lbs of cotton candy. At what time will the trains collide?
(A) “Entered.” - Your answer is wrong, thus confirming that you are a human. Please proceed.
(B) “I just realized I am a robot and all of my memories are actually programmed lies.” - We’re sorry for the rude awakening. Please note we do not allow robots to use our bathroom.

The information on your screen contains everything you need to know to track down and kill a deadly bathroom terrorist. You have 30 seconds to review and memorize the information before your phone self destructs. Please buy a new phone and redownload the White Whale Coffee Bathroom app to proceed.
(A) “I do not accept (because I want the terrorists to win).” - You do not have what it takes to use our bathroom.
(B) “Mission accomplished.” - Please bring the target’s corpse to a White Whale barista during regular business hours to receive the bathroom key.

Please note: Our hours are 8am-10am; 11:30am-11:45am; 1pm-4:36pm MWF; plus half-days on Sunday. We are closed today and tomorrow for National Bathroom Day.

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