Introducing Our New Airfare Options
Our simple three-tiered system is guaranteed to ensure mistakes.
New writer alert! is a political and social satirist and humor writer. She is a contributor at The Onion, Reductress, McSweeney’s, and the Weekly Humorist. You can also find her on Twitter, Instagram, Medium, and now on Substack.
Thank you for being a loyal customer of EastWest Airlines, or for flying with us once 11 years ago and not being able to get off our mailing list. Today, we are excited to announce an upgraded fare structure. Our new Tier-Tiered-Tiering (T3) System is as simple as it sounds! And it gives you options. How many? We do not know the exact number, as humankind has not yet developed the computing power necessary to calculate it.
First, select a fare tier option: basic, main, basic main, main basic, business select, select business, select business select, business zero, or first class. Some fares apply to all seats, but others only apply to certain seats. Some allow you to board early, check bags, or choose your seat, and others don’t. This will all become clear after you complete booking and learn that your chosen fare tier does not include what you thought it did, and also is not refundable, which you thought it was.
Next, choose a tiered fare option. These include (but are not limited to) economy, classic, premium, extra, mild, medium, hot, and DIABLO. Use the convenient four-dimensional matrix on our website (not available on mobile) to understand how your fare tier is affected by which tiered fare you choose.
At this step, select any extras you’d like to customize your experience! If you prefer that your flight experience not include dehydration, purchase the $30 beverage add-on. If you want to bring your own drink, you must also purchase the beverage add-on, to make up for not buying it from us. If you prefer to wear shoes when boarding, there is a $30 surcharge (plus a $5 sock add-on, per foot). If you want to take them off once in flight, there is an additional $300,000 surcharge, because that’s gross but we’ll do anything for a price.
We also have several convenient baggage options. Don’t forget, we offer one FREE checked bag per passenger! If you want your free checked bag to arrive at the same destination as you are flying to, there is a $100 fee per item in the bag. If you choose not to pay this fee, your bag will remain securely checked on the baggage claim conveyor belt at your departure airport until you return. (A $50 bag storage and retrieval fee is associated with this option.)
You may also bring one personal item on board, free of charge, if you can movingly explain in 100 words or less why the item is personally meaningful to you. If you make a majority of the gate agents cry, the personal item fee ($400) will be waived.
To finalize your fare, pick a card, any card! The rank and suit of your card will be entered into our proprietary algorithm to determine the tiering of your fare, which multiplies it by somewhere between -3 and 4,000 to calculate your final cost—unless, of course, you picked the queen of hearts. That card is presented in partnership with Showtime’s Yellowjackets, and dictates that we are legally obligated to hunt you for sport, starting NOW.
(NOTE: If you want to watch anything other than Showtime’s Yellowjackets on your flight, use code HumanCannibalism to add $20 to your fare.)
We hope you enjoy the T3 fare system! Our changes are solely designed to improve your customer experience, and we definitely don’t hope to trick you into booking the wrong fare so you have to pay our exorbitant last-minute change fees (not listed).
Stay subscribed to our mailing list (as if you have a choice) and look for exciting news about our inevitable fare re-restructuring, sometime within the next three months!
Friends-of-Friends on Friendship
Editor’s Note: I often think that pretty much everything about adulthood feels tougher than it did when I was a kid, and making friends is no different. That’s why I’m intrigued by We Should Get Together from Kat Vellos, which was recommended to me as part of a newsletter Secret Santa swap.
Kat’s writing covers making new friends, strengthening existing friendships, and being a better friend to yourself. If you’re looking to build stronger bonds in strange times, check out her work!
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“To serve you better, all options are overridden during peak holiday travel seasons by our exclusive ‘Fee/Fi/Fo/Fare’®️ Random Rerouting Algorithm.”
But at least it’s simpler than United.