Weird Dates I Went On So You Don’t Have To
Does this count as community service?
Dates are a real tossup. HEADS: You vibe, it’s flirty and fun, you feel alive. TAILS: You don’t vibe, this gastropub now feels like a gulag, you want to die. But there’s a secret third option—a date that’s not good, not bad, but just plain weird.
Weird dates are kind of spectacular. They’re neither terrible enough to traumatize you, nor incredible enough to blossom into anything meaningful. They exist in some liminal space where you and another person share the intimate knowledge that once, for a few hours, you did something together and it was sorta weird.
I’m a magnet for the #WeirdDate. (Okay, but can we actually get this going? Because I want to hear about everyone’s #WeirdDates.) My archives are rich and absurd and growing by the day. Here are some of my faves. (For their privacy, all names have been changed. For my enjoyment, they’ve all been changed to various spellings of the name Brayden.)
Weird Date #1
WHO: Filmmaker / Aspiring Underwear Designer
WHERE: Veterans Hall in the Suburbs
WHAT: Amateur Lucha Libre Wrestling
Braydon popped the question early, the question every girl grows up dreaming of hearing someday: “Do you want to drive to Azusa to watch grown men smash fluorescent light bulbs over each other’s heads?”
Yes, I said! A thousand times yes. This was the most creative first date I’d been asked on by miles. You heard me right: first! And while I wouldn’t advise other young women to hitch a ride from a stranger, Braydon had a thick beard and spoke French—two things which, when combined, can really scramble someone’s brain.
Wrestling was somehow not the weirdest part of the evening. He then took me to Gold Diggers—a combination bar/venue/boutique hotel/recording studio in Hollywood. At least that’s what it is now. When Braydon took me, it was simply a titty bar.
Weird Date #2
WHO: Buff Florist
WHERE: Koreatown Café
WHAT: Book Swap & Coffee
The fastest I ever swiped right on a man was when I stumbled upon Braiden: the buff florist. The tender hands of a flower-handler dangling off some beefy Popeye arms?! I can have it all!
Messaging was nice and easy, we discussed our favorite film noir flicks and met up under the very cute pretense of swapping our favorite hardboiled detective fiction. I brought Double Indemnity; he brought American Tabloid. The problem? When we met up, there was NO spark. I’m talkin’ flint and steel in a rainstorm. It was almost fascinating how utterly not right for each other we were. Conversating in person was a stilted mess, with such hits as “Do you have siblings?” and “Did you know Shia LaBeouf is Catholic now?”
We ended the date as soon as our coffees were done. But we had already swapped books. And even though both of us knew full well we were never going to see each other again, it felt too harsh to be like… actually give that back. And it sits on my shelf to this day.
Weird Date #3
WHO: The Tallest Man I’ve Ever Seen In Real Life
WHERE: Mid-City Dive Bar
WHAT: A Generally Bad Time
As the daughter of a short king, I should’ve known not to trust anyone over 6’10, but I agreed to a date with Braden anyway.
What started off as a garden variety bad date got awkward when he excused himself to go to “the little boy's room” (don’t even get me started). Eager to escape, I closed out Braden’s tab, even signing for him, which I only realized was weird when I heard a voice at chandelier height ask, “Are you forging my signature?” To which I could only reply, “Yes.”
And then we never saw each other again.
Weird Date #4
WHO: Comedian
WHERE: Classic Old Hollywood Bar
WHAT: Martinis
There’s something titillating about matching on a dating app with someone you’ve already met in real life. That’s how I felt when I matched with Braeden, who I’d met multiple times before. No more wondering! We’re clearly attracted to each other.
We grabbed martinis at the iconic Dresden Room and caught up on life since we’d last seen each other; it’d been a while. At least I thought that’s what we were doing, except one drink in I discovered he had NO IDEA WHO I WAS. I’m out here looking like Erika Christensen in Swimfan, meanwhile this man had been to my house before, y’all!
Rude. Disrespectful. And an excellent lay.
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NO HE DID NOT REMEMBER YOU??? Oh godddd. Also I *knew* when i saw the headline i was going to read about the pool hall date where your date had literal pool-specific gloves on, and somehow we didn’t even get to that???? you literally ARE a weirdo magnet. 😭
I don't often *literally* laugh out loud while reading, but I did at this: “Did you know Shia LaBeouf is Catholic now?” So many great moments in this piece! I dare say, I'm tempted to share some of my own stories from the war ; )