We Must Support the President’s Right to Summon Eldritch Horrors
What will liberals object to next?
Half the United States is a warzone. My Facebook reels prove it. Despite what the radical left would have you believe, it’s about time somebody had the guts to do something about it. We should all be proud to finally have a president who’s willing to summon ancient eldritch horrors.
It’s a good idea and we have to support it. Maybe the beasts have laser-beamed a couple of US citizens in their wake. Big whoop. Abyssal creatures like Beholders don’t have perfect aim. Nobody does. The vast majority of the folks who have been disintegrated were criminals and migrants anyway. Same goes for those who were spaghettified by primordial death stares or shredded by transient crystal talons. This is exactly the kind of swift action Americans have been begging for.
The liberal media seems to think the entire police force should be identifiable and benevolent and human. That’s insane! They have the audacity to demand officers show warrants before they drag people into unmarked vehicles or toss them into interplanar wormholes.
News flash, liberal! That would take forever!
America voted for a crackdown on crime. Upholding some fantastical ideal of “constitutional law” or “democratic justice” isn’t practical. If we want our cities to be safe again, we must allow the president to continue filling them with unfathomable cosmic entities.
It’s true that some federal courts have attempted to restrain the president’s efforts. Others have backed his right to conjure up grotesque aberrations. In the end, it doesn’t really matter what the lower courts decide. The president has already signaled a willingness to invoke the Incantation Act of 1808, which allows for eldritch horrors to act as local law enforcement under fairly vague conditions.
Nevertheless, blue-state leadership outrightly refuses to offer any aid to these brave, immortal titans. Poor Cthulhu was basically abused in Chicago when a local police precinct—at the behest of the mayor—wouldn’t even let him inside to use the bathroom! This was after a full workday of banishing migrants to the sunken city of R’lyeh. As a result, Cthulhu pissed himself right in the middle of the street. Protesters laughed and jeered at him. They ran him off back to the stars. He could have driven them all mad, but he was too mortified. The mayor never even apologized. Talk about inhumane!
Despite all this cruelty, liberals expect you to believe we’re the extreme ones. The radical left has two new favorite words: hypocrite and fascist. It’s a load of crock. There’s no reason the government can’t be small, laissez-faire, and committed to the sweeping militarization of primeval beasts.
Big thanks!
We have TWO new paid subscribers to shout out: Wanda W. and George N. Thanks for supporting writers, and we hope you enjoy the luxurious accommodations here at Chez Chortle.
MORE FROM CHORTLE
We Apologize to the Following Republicans
It’s lately become clear that Chortle's understanding of the way in which jokes are protected by the first amendment was fundamentally flawed. Given this realization, Chortle hereby issues the following retractions and formal apologies, in hopes of pre-empting any legal action.
LEAKED: Proposed Trump-Harvard Settlement Terms
Chortle’s White House insider1 tells us that following months of negotiation, government lawyers have proposed that Harvard agree to the following settlement terms in order to end their funding freeze.
 | A guest post by
|
I get that this is sarcasm, but you're not appreciating how meager a $50,000 signing bonus is when stretched over an eternal life.