I Did My Own Research and It Turns Out Vaccines Are Super Effective
What in tarnation?!
I’m a red-blooded American, through and through. I like my steaks well-done, my beer tasteless, and my wife ornery. I never take advice from so-called doctors with their fancy medical degrees, especially when it comes to vaccines. I won’t even listen to the president on that subject. I do my own research. I draw my own conclusions. That’s why I believe—no, I know—that vaccinations are generally safe and effective against many severe diseases.
Hell, if there’s one thing I’m damn sure of, I’m not putting some weird foreign shit in my body unless it’s been well and truly tested. So I was pleased to recently discover that the measles vaccine has been administered literally billions of times. About 84% of people in the world have gotten it. I wouldn’t have believed that statistic if a “government official” or a “nurse” told it to me. But I did some research of my own down at the local university’s medical library, where I found out that getting the vaccine is 100% less deadly than getting measles.
It’s just plain obvious once you read a little.
Let’s be clear: this country was founded on principles of personal freedom. Our troops fought on the fields at Gettysburg and the beaches of Normandy to preserve every American’s right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” That’s why I think everyone should get vaccinated! I recently did some research into the term “herd immunity,” and it turns out that just a few people skipping their scheduled vaccines can pose a mortal threat to all of us, particularly the ill and the elderly. Ain’t that somethin’?
I was frankly shocked at how easy it was to discover this information and then understand its consequences. If I’m being honest, it really didn’t take much research on my part. I’m beginning to wonder whether I needed to subscribe to JSTOR and download all of those scientific documents at all.
But just hang on a second. I don’t want any liberals out there, running around thinking they can poke me with any old shot. No sir! I’m still a skeptic, through and through! I won’t let you inject me with anything that doesn’t have a deep inventory of scientific literature proving its efficacy. Like ivermectin. Or bleach, god forbid. That would just be moronic.
Anyhow, I guess this is all just my long-winded way of saying it’s my first time visiting CVS. Where do I get my shots, partner?
Psst… help me out!
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