Try CHILDREN: The Ultimate Lifestyle Accessory
Because sleeping in, disposable income, and sanity are overrated
New writer alert! Shannon Guglielmo is a poet, mother of two small children, and math teacher in New York City. Her recent work is featured in Rogue Agent, Bombay Literary Magazine, Right Hand Pointing and Willows Wept Review.
Are you sick of sleeping in on the weekends?
Perhaps you secretly hate waking up gently to the tranquil light of mid-morning?
Do you prefer that screaming, crying, and/or general whining welcome you into the dim dawn of 5am every Saturday?
Then seize this opportunity, and consider having Children!
Do you find yourself wishing your clean, spotless house looked like it was ransacked by burglars with the lights off? Do you get annoyed when you walk through the living room and no small plastic obstructions stick you in the foot? Well, let me tell you: the pain of a tiny LEGO lodged in your heel is just the start of the magic. Children can deliver this and more!
You probably feel purposeless spending so much time reading novels, watching sports, or scrolling through TikTok for hours. With kids, you can get rid all that wasteful relaxation, plus the rest your free time too! Those aren’t things of life… but Children are! (In fact, you’re legally required to keep them alive.)
Going out to dinner? Who needs it! Only suckers enjoy a date with their spouse in a restaurant with leisurely service and delicious food. Instead, try eating-at-home-for-weeks-on-end and making-food-for-a-small-tyrant-who-can-hurl-a-cooked-carrot-five-yards.
Every day is a new puzzle with no solution! This is living, baby!
Let’s talk liquids. I bet you love a cup of coffee in the morning, or a nice glass of wine to help you wind down. How about a long bath or a shower after a hard day’s work? Well, you’re in luck—because with Children, liquids are EVERYWHERE! They will go on the nice shirt you were about to wear to work, the pants you really like and would hate to see stained, your plane seat during a long flight, and even your hair at church. All this and more can be covered in bodily fluids that are not your own!
Folks, kids are the real deal! What are you waiting for? For the low, low price of a hemorrhaging bank account plus a lifetime of needless worrying, you too can have Children today!
Special Shouts!
Editor’s note: Big thanks to our newest paid subscriber, Isabel A. I’m so grateful for your support that I can’t even think of anything witty to write about it! Your generosity transcends my wit!
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