Corporate Cinema Must Be Destroyed (Except for Disney's Cars)
A Principled Stand from a Father Who Says 'Ka-Chow' 47 Times a Day
Some days, we must set aside “humor” to focus on principle. As Chortle’s subscribership grows, I worry that our founding philosophies might get lost. So let me clearly restate that Chortle was established to be a righteous lodestar in this era of corporate entertainment—a beacon insisting that every bloated franchise should die a quick, silent death.
(Except for Disney's Cars, which is beloved by my two-year-old son.)
Yes, Chortle stands for an audience who can't bear the thought of another Skywalker saga entry where some orphan discovers they're related to all the other main characters, or further reheating of Marvel superhero leftovers in which the multiverse magically unspools to reveal yet another kid dressed as Spider-Man. We, the people, demand more. Specifically, we demand more of Lightning McQueen's wacky misadventures in and around Radiator Springs, since it's the only thing that makes my son happy and/or silent.
Our principles are clear. The entertainment industry must stop its self-cannibalizing franchise addiction—right after they greenlight Cars 4. Because it's not just that Hollywood isn't producing fulfilling movies anymore. It's barely producing anything, period! This makes it all the more unconscionable that so many resources are squandered on unwanted spinoffs and prequels, when they could be used to make spinoffs and prequels of Cars!
Some might call me a hypocrite for excluding Pixar from my criticism of Hollywood. To them I say: you try watching my kid for a weekend without turning on Cars. No, really—please come watch him. I need no further personal information besides your willingness to eventually endure Cars 3.
The solution is simple. Disney must immediately divert all resources from Avatar sequels, Star Wars spin-offs, and anything MCU-related to establish what I'm calling the VCU (Vehicular Cinematic Universe). Twenty-plus movies exploring anything with two eyes and four wheels. Remember, this isn't about me. This is about my son. And my need for him to be quiet sometimes.
I didn't want to have to issue this ultimatum, but my hand has been forced: either Disney commits to 300 hours of new Cars content over the next five years, or I'll be forced to… continue watching the existing Cars content over and over again.
The choice is yours, Bob Iger. Chortle is watching.
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I’m sickened by this display of blatant hypocrisy! Hollywood needs to put a stop to ALL sequels and spin-offs—including the Cars franchise, which my kids are ambivalent about.
Obviously, an exception must be made for any Paw Patrol content, which my children can’t live without. Keep that firehose gushing.
But otherwise…down with dump corporate cinema!!!
I understand the regime made a BIG BEAUTIFUL DEAL, THE BEST DEAL EVER MADE, with Putin to replace all of them with new episodes of "Masha and the Bear."