To the Girl Who Said My Eyes Are "A Little Too Close Together"

It definitely hasn't bothered me for a decade

New writer alert! Luke Herzog is a Brooklyn-based comedy writer and playwright who has also contributed to Points in Case and Slackjaw.

To the girl in high school who told me that my eyes are “a little too close together”:

First of all, thanks. I was in the market for an obscure insecurity. My middle school acne had mostly cleared up, and some chubbiness had burned away while rehearsing for Shrek the Musical, so those run-of-the-mill anxieties just weren’t cutting it anymore. You entered my life for all of fifteen seconds, and yet I still replay our fleeting interaction every morning as I put in my contact lenses. Now I know my eyes are freakish orbs that are basically kissing each other. So thank you.

Whatever, I get it: Were it not for my nose, I’d basically be a Cyclops. That’s fine. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest. There’s no way in hell that I—a fully grown adult man—am going to let an anonymous fourteen-year-old girl from over a decade ago dictate my sense of self-worth. That would be pretty darn pathetic… even if it were entirely justified.

Besides, eye distance? That’s not even a thing, right? C’mon. That’s like… not even a thing.

Also, I’m glad you clarified that it’s just “a little.” That means mere millimeters are the difference between my ocular abnormality and an otherwise seamless assimilation into regular society. Ouch, Stacy. (That’s a guess. I don’t actually remember your name, only your casual cruelty every time I look in the mirror.)

Lately, pop culture has been obsessed with Anya Taylor-Joy and Halle Bailey and their wide face ratios. Some are calling it the “sexy hammerhead shark” discourse (which is, frankly, demeaning). But, if we’re going there, where’s the love for, um… Marko Jarić? You know, the Serbian pro basketball player with the tightly packaged peepers?

Fella’s got the countenance of a sexy meerkat. How about we get that trending, huh? #sexymeerkat. Just an idea. I really need this right now.

Oh, Stacy (or whatever). What I wouldn’t give to have your preternatural ability to cut people down with a throwaway observation. But if our encounter were to take place in 2025, rest assured that I would have a clever response locked and loaded. Just spitballing here, it might go something like this…

YOU: Hey, your eyes are a little too close together.
ME: Unlike your parents.
YOU: Wow, that was brutal. But also the kind of verbal shellacking I needed to be introspective about my own behavior. You’re right, my home life is no excuse to make insensitive comments to people minding their own business.
ME: I forgive you.
YOU: You magnanimous bastard. If I’m being honest, I’m just jealous. If anything, your eyes are reminiscent of—and forgive me if this is out of left field—a sexy meerkat.
ME: Huh. I never really thought about it.
YOU: Are you familiar with Serbian pro basketball player—
ME: Marko Jarić? I get that a lot.
YOU: He dates supermodels.
ME: Makes sense.

That’s probably how it would go down.

At any rate, I’ve learned to thrive despite my hardships, so I hope you, too, are happy wherever you are. I mean, I know it can’t be easy, walking around with elbows like those. Oh, your perfectly spaced eyes haven’t noticed? You’ve got pointy elbows. Could be something to think about forever!

Best wishes,
Luke

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