2X the Meat, 2X the Lies?

A Forensic Analysis of Frozen Lasagna Marketing

Editor’s Note: New writer alert!

Bob Welland

writes

Glommed

, a newsletter about weird little nonsense that almost evades his notice (usually in grocery stores).

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Wow! Stouffer’s Lasagna has 2X the meat!

Two times! That’s more than one times. It’s like, double. Into my shopping cart you go… hmm, wait a second… Do I see something? Is that some schmutz on the box? No, it’s an asterisk.

From ancient Greek for “little star,” the asterisk actually looks like a little star. It is the Tom Cruise of the typography game. And so versatile! Wikipedia lists thirty-two different usages for the humble asterisk. Here are my favorites:

• Computer programming: Helpful for leaving comments in the code such as /*I will test this later*/ and /*my boss is a jerk*/

• Censorship: Quite f***ing necessary.

• Telephone: On old landline phones, it was handy to dial *69 to call the last number that called you. Easy to remember that number… because you are reversing the call… so the upside down 6 becomes a 9… yep, very memorable for that reason alone.

• Sports: So many guys have achieved amazing statistics… so many of them were on steroids.

Perhaps Stouffer’s asterisk is like the Sports example, and their beef cattle were ‘roided up. Let’s squint and read the fine print.

Of course! Made-up advertising weasel words to delude the public and help the overpaid Stouffer’s lawyers sleep at night. It’s another “two scoops of raisins in a package of Kellogg's Raisin Bran” situation, wherein the size of the scoop was never specified.

Stouffer’s is afraid to commit to a measurable quantity. They’re soooo scared. In fact, I say they’re chicken—2X the Chicken!

Sick burn, right?

I could end this post with that burn on the Stouffer’s corporation. But we can’t stop now, because I know you subscribe to Chortle for the research. And this Chortle post has 2X the Research.*

*Required by the Humor Newsletter Research Standard.

So are these Lasagna and Chicken Enchilada standards real? Yes, technically they do exist and are documented by the USDA in its Food Standards and Labeling Policy Book. Here’s a link to the 188-page PDF. Download a copy today because government documents are going fast, whole departments too.

I personally refer to a leather-bound, hardcover edition that I keep near the fireplace for when I want to curl up with a good book. Not to brag, but my copy is personally autographed by Tom Vilsack, U.S. Secretary of Agriculture from 2009-2017 and 2021-2025*.

*Some steroid use.

On Page 91, after several nauseating descriptions of Lard, we find the Lasagna section. Lasagna with Meat Sauce must have 6 percent meat by fresh, uncooked weight. On page 48, it says Chicken Enchiladas must have 10.5 percent poultry meat by cooked, deboned weight.

Take those percentages, multiply by 2X, and you have what seems to be a generous amount of meat. I have to give credit where credit is due. Well done, Stouffer’s! Despite a dubious assumption that customers know these standards, your product labeling communicates a measurable amount of meat in a clear, honest way.*

…

*Ahem. As Lieutenant Columbo would say, "Just one more thing."

If you examine the Lasagna product image carefully, it is named “Lasagna With Meat & Sauce,” while the asterisk text reads “the Lasagna With Meat Sauce Standard.” That “&” (“and”) has some extra meaning on page 91:

There are two different standards (a.k.a. 2X the Standards)! And Stouffer’s product actually contains the minimum amount of meat for its category; however, its label refers to the lower 6% standard for a slightly different meal. Hence the asterisk.

My lack of faith has been restored!

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