Seven Planets I’d Rather Live On
Our solar system has a wide variety of non-Earth planets available
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Earth has had a good run, but things seem to be trending in the wrong direction. Recently, I’ve been considering a move off-planet. Sure, I’d miss the stable atmosphere and liquid water here, but the rest of our solar system has a lot going for it, too.
Here’s a list of top neighboring planets that I’d rather live on.1
1. Venus
Since I’d like to stay local, my top choice is lovely Venus, who is our closest neighbour—even though Mars would love credit for that. After the sun and the moon, Venus is the third brightest object in the sky, which means I see her winking at me every night, like a siren singing, “Come inhabit me… Leave all your earthly troubles behind…”
I think it’s unfair that Venus is called “Earth’s evil twin.” It’s not her fault that her atmosphere traps heat like a shopping mall on the first day of spring. I love warm weather, so I’m sure I’d get used to the clouds of sulfuric acid.
2. Neptune
I know, I know! I said I wanted to stay local, but there’s also something alluring about going as far from Earth as possible while still technically being on a planet. I mean, you can’t even see Neptune with the naked eye from here, which feels juuuust about far enough.
Plus, one year on Neptune is equal to 165 Earth years, so think of how young you’d be. At this point, I’d only be like three months old on Neptune! I’m not normally a fan of frigid, supersonic winds, but I think I can make it work.
3. Saturn
Even from my place here on Earth, I can feel the undeniable pull of Saturn’s magnetosphere. In fact, I love Saturn so much that I wanna put another ring on it.
I’m also willing to overlook the fact that this is a gas giant because I, too, have gastrointestinal issues. However, I’m a little nervous about the potential for future colonies on its moons, Enceladus and Titan, since that would mean sharing an orbit with humans again.
4. Uranus
I don’t just want to explore Uranus. I want to inhabit Uranus. I want to build a little house on Uranus. I want to eat my meals on Uranus. And when I die, I want to be buried in Uranus.
5. Mercury
Due to its lack of atmosphere, I’m a little hot and cold about Mercury. But I do love that Mercury is a place for free-thinkers where you don’t have to follow silly rules like Kepler’s Laws. The egg-shaped path around the sun is a nice fuck you to Earth’s circular orbit. Ultimately, because my flesh would instantly vaporize, I had to put Mercury at #5.
6. Jupiter
Jupiter is the oldest planet in our solar system. I have a lot of respect for that because existing is A LOT. But look: I’m just more attracted to younger celestial bodies. It is what it is.
I also feel like Jupiter never shuts up about being the biggest planet? We get it, you could fit 1000 Earths inside of you, can we talk about something else for once?
7. Mars
Fuck Mars. Seriously. It’s so overhyped at this point. Plus, I’m pretty sure that ancient humans already inhabited that planet and turned it into a dusty wasteland before launching themselves to Earth to start over. I really don’t want anyone else’s sloppy planetary seconds, thanks.
Overall? Still better than Earth.
Honorable Mention: Pluto
Pluto was done so dirty when we stripped her of her "planet" status just because she hasn't cleared her orbital path of other objects. How can we expect her to break free for her moment in the sun when she's 3.7 billion miles away from it?
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This list doesn’t include the dwarf planets, asteroids, comets, and Oort cloud that I would also choose over Earth.
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Thank you for actually science-based, planetary real estate research. I never find this anywhere, and I'm 3.5 months old in Neptune time, old enough to remember when they tried to make Pluto a DEI hire planet.
By the way, Uranus is awesome! 👽