Mr. Manners' Advice for School Lunch

Think about who you're really trying to impress this fall.

Please welcome back

Dylan DiMaggio

, Chortle’s resident expert on manners, parenting, and thermonuclear missiles. Today, he shares some important advice for any parent to consider when making school lunches this fall.

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Photo by qi bin on Unsplash

Well, here we are again. Summer’s sweltering kiss has finally loosened its grip, and autumn is on the approach. The nights are cooler, the days are shorter, and Starbucks is hellbent on convincing us that it’s Pumpkin Spice Latte season—it was 103 degrees yesterday, Starbucks.

Nevertheless, along with the alleged changing of the leaves comes something far more insidious: the existential dread of assembling your child’s school lunch.

If you’re like most American parents, your school drop-off motivation is plummeting faster than the temperature should be right about now. But before you fall back on a hastily slapped-together peanut butter and jelly sandwich (again), allow me to paint a picture.

It’s noon. The cafeteria is abuzz as children eagerly crack open their lunch boxes, each hoping for something slightly less depressing than Monday’s leftovers. And then, your little one gingerly unveils theirs… Behold! A kaleidoscope of nutrition, sustainability, and artisanal flair.

Just think of the reaction from the most important person in that room… their teacher!¹

Oh, you thought this was about your child eating healthy? Adorable. But let’s be real. Your kid is not touching that stuff. I mean, what even is tofu skin? Tofu has skin? Since when?

This isn’t about what they eat. It’s about what the adults think they eat. Sure, it’ll take you two hours to prepare, but that’s why God invented caffeine. Yes, you’ll have to scrape untouched dragon fruit into the compost bin at the end of the day, but that’s beside the point. You’re not feeding your child—you’re feeding your reputation.

Step one: brown bags are OUT! Don’t even think about it. Handcrafted, artisanal bento boxes are in. Preferably imported, but Etsy will do in a pinch.

The produce aisle is your new battlefield; if you can pronounce it, you’re shopping wrong. Rambutan, lotus root, and things that look suspiciously like houseplants? Perfect.

Now, let’s talk protein. Regular hard-boiled eggs? Pedestrian. Quail eggs are the only acceptable choice. Chicken? Oh no, my friend. It’s free-range duck or nothing at all. Bonus points if it’s part of a dish you can’t quite spell.

The real challenge will be teaching your child how to humblebrag on your behalf. But with enough practice, even a five-year-old can drop phrases like, “Oh, this? Mommy just threw it together with the edible flowers left over from last night’s crudité.” Sure, they’ll still try to swap it for someone else’s ham sandwich, but that’s what emergency snacks in the car at pickup are for.

Once you embark on this culinary crusade, the possibilities are endless. And by “endless,” I mean there’s an infinite rabbit hole of slightly unhinged school lunch ideas on each and every social media platform. Are they practical? Absolutely not. Will they make you feel superior to every other parent in the drop-off line? You bet.

Welcome to the Bento Box Olympics, where the only prize is fleeting admiration from people you’ll never see again after this year.

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1. Or better yet, the room parent.