Anonymous President: Peer pressure is destroying America

Chortle presents a special op-ed regarding recent events.

President Joe Biden finally relented to pressure from his Democratic colleagues and the left-leaning electorate on Sunday by announcing the end of his re-election campaign.

Minutes after that announcement, Chortle received this op-ed signed by an “anonymous president” using the email address jblovestrains@earthlink.net, along with the included photo.

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Listen up, folks. I’m here to shoot straight with you.

The fact of the matter is, there’s something threatening to tear America apart, and it’s not socialism or fascism. We’re headed to hell in a handbasket, and it’s all because of peer pressure. Specifically, the pressure Americans have decided to use against certain politicians who have been in power for five-plus decades.

C'mon, man! We’re better than this.

We're in a fight for the soul of this nation. We should be rallying around the one person who has proven he can defeat Donald Trump! And the large team of scientists keeping that person “alive!”

This is no time for division, no time for infighting, no time for questions like, “Why does the president look like a wax sculpture?”

Here’s the deal: some of us have been in this fight for a long time. I’ve been at it since before the invention of the telephone, for crying out loud. And if there’s one ideal people like me are committed to, come hell or high water, it’s to serve our country as long as we can. It’s every politician’s dream to make a difference — then slowly become an ineffectual caricature and die in office. But I guess you youngsters in Generation X just don’t get that. God love ya.

But I ask you to remember that it hurts when you tease. And it stings when you rationally ask questions about what’s best for our country. Politicians who have been in office forever bleed just like you do. We aren’t superheroes. We’re not immortal. (Although we’re trying.)

I guess the bullies won in the end. The American people have finally beaten down the toughest son of a gun who ever strolled the sands of Rehoboth. What’s he going to get in return for his years of service, now? Media hagiographies about how great he was? A huge library and probably some monuments named after him? Another decade of excellent medical care and cushy publishing royalties?

Hollow stuff.

I may be just an anonymous everyday Joe President, but I won’t be bending to the pressure from my peers this November. Because no matter who comes away with the Democratic nomination, I plan to write in Joe Biden’s name. He’s a man I still believe in, a man I still trust, and his name is the only thing I can still write with a pen. No malarkey.

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In all seriousness, kudos to Biden and his team for making the correct decision.

(He’s a subscriber, so he’s definitely reading this.)

(Although he’s a FREE subscriber… what the hell, Joe??)

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Questions for the Comments

Brief Chortle Update (Chupdate?):

I’ve decided to open comments to all subscribers on free posts. This is because it’s more fun for me when people respond. Previously, commenting on all posts was limited to paid subscribers. Hopefully, existing subscribers don’t mind this change!

For similar reasons, I’m going to try leaving a few questions at the end of each post to see if it makes the comments section more fun. Feel free to use a question for discussion or don’t — we’re experimenting, folks!

1. Will we ever have another normal week?

2. Is the current moment crazier than the lead-up to the 2016 election? We’re still a couple months away from the Access Hollywood tape/Comey letter part of the timeline, which seems foreboding.

3. Is Kamala inevitable as Biden’s replacement?

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