Political Fundraising Emails I Might Actually Open

It's clickbait season and ONLY YOU CAN HELP!

It will be many torturous months until the votes are actually counted, but there’s no doubt that election season is in full bloom. I can tell because longshot Senate hopefuls and elderly presidential candidates have begun flocking to my inbox like the salmon of Capistrano.

You know the kind of emails I’m talking about, right? The ones with deliberately vague yet desperately urgent subject lines.

(She needs you to know that an internal campaign poll says her race is not hopeless.)

This tactic is not new and both parties use it. But as a registered Democrat, I mostly get their emails — and a shocking number of these folks turn into small woodland boys crying “It’s a Donation Emergency!" every 36 hours. It makes a guy start to wonder who the real wolf is in this scenario.

Perhaps that’s why I’ve grown callused to their pleading. This kind of false urgency isn’t urgent enough for me any more. Frankly, it’s not false enough either. Therefore, I’d like to present them with a few suggestions.

Political Fundraising Emails I Might Actually Open

• HELP! Joe Biden’s HAIR is on FIRE!!!

• Greg, it’s Nancy Pelosi and I will give you 10,000 Target Circle points

• Election Day Is Almost Here And We NEED A Picture Of Your DOG

• URGENT!! Just $1 Can Help Us Send Elon Musk Into Space Without An Oxygen Supply

• I’m Adam Schiff and I’m Outside Your House With A Selection of Fancy Donuts

• THIS ISN’T EASY TO SAY… you know you need unique New York

• We won’t tell you again, Greg: Joe Biden is still on fire!

• California Democrats can STOP any more new brands of hard seltzer

• Hi Greg, Bill Clinton here with the truth about Epstein’s island

• Greg, we just discovered there are no fire extinguishers in the White House. I know that sounds crazy, but everybody thought that some other department had it covered. Kamala is running to CVS to get one, but she doesn’t usually carry a wallet. The fire is spreading quickly. Can you Venmo us RIGHT NOW?

• Hello, I’m Collin Allred and I’m running to defeat Ted Cruz (in mortal combat).

• Greg, PLEASE help Joe Biden’s SMOLDERING husk

Can you spam better than the Democratic party? Let me know in the comments!