Let's set some odds for the presidential debate

My predictions for Tuesday night's showdown (which I won't watch).

The last time that two US presidential candidates debated, I thought there wasn’t much to learn. I was very wrong! President Biden’s performance was so bad that it forced Democrats to choose a path they rarely, if ever, consider: doing something.

Will Tuesday night’s debate between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump have such immense ramifications? It’s hard to see how. Then again, present-day US politics could be nicely summarized as a collection of things that were hard to see coming ahead of time. Nevertheless, to help Chortle’s dedicated readership of political gadflies and degenerate gamblers prepare, here are a few odds for debate night—proudly presented by our friends at DraftKings or FanDuel or CashSplooge or any other weird sportsbook that wants to sponsor us.

3:1
Kamala Harris calls Donald Trump ‘weird.’

3,000:1
Donald Trump calls Kamala Harris the c-word.

2:1
ABC advertises its fall lineup, which consists entirely of shows starring Jim Belushi.

10:1
Harris awkwardly uses the word ‘brat.’

8:1
Trump mentions a blonde actress from the seventies for some reason.

12,000:1
The Harris campaign forgets to make snappy new GIFs from debate footage.

1:1
JD Vance spills a bowl of chili on himself while watching.

50,000:1
Joe Biden drops in from the rafters to initiate a WWE Tag-Team Smackdown.

1,000:1
The debate has any impact on the election whatsoever.

Zero
The odds I’m watching that shit.

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