Let's set some odds for the presidential debate
My predictions for Tuesday night's showdown (which I won't watch).
The last time that two US presidential candidates debated, I thought there wasn’t much to learn. I was very wrong! President Biden’s performance was so bad that it forced Democrats to choose a path they rarely, if ever, consider: doing something.
Will Tuesday night’s debate between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump have such immense ramifications? It’s hard to see how. Then again, present-day US politics could be nicely summarized as a collection of things that were hard to see coming ahead of time. Nevertheless, to help Chortle’s dedicated readership of political gadflies and degenerate gamblers prepare, here are a few odds for debate night—proudly presented by our friends at DraftKings or FanDuel or CashSplooge or any other weird sportsbook that wants to sponsor us.
3:1
Kamala Harris calls Donald Trump ‘weird.’
3,000:1
Donald Trump calls Kamala Harris the c-word.
2:1
ABC advertises its fall lineup, which consists entirely of shows starring Jim Belushi.
10:1
Harris awkwardly uses the word ‘brat.’
8:1
Trump mentions a blonde actress from the seventies for some reason.
12,000:1
The Harris campaign forgets to make snappy new GIFs from debate footage.
1:1
JD Vance spills a bowl of chili on himself while watching.
50,000:1
Joe Biden drops in from the rafters to initiate a WWE Tag-Team Smackdown.
1,000:1
The debate has any impact on the election whatsoever.
Zero
The odds I’m watching that shit.
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Haha. You were right. It all happened last night.
lol the chili