For Emergency Information, FEMA Recommends Consulting My Instagram Stories
These strategic communications should not be mistaken for desperate flailing.
FEDERAL EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT AGENCY EMERGENCY RESPONSE DIRECTIVE
SUBJECT: Updated Emergency Information Distribution Protocol
In accordance with new federal guidelines, all emergency preparedness and response information will now be distributed exclusively through my Instagram Stories. FEMA has officially designated crisis-response infographics shared on my account as vital government communications, which is why you may notice I am sharing every single one I see.
To be clear: These are strategic communications that should not be mistaken for the manic behavior of someone who hasn't left his house in four days.
EMERGENCY PROTOCOLS
In the event of natural disaster:
Storm preparation infographics will be shared in order of aesthetic appeal
Hourly radar updates will be provided, each less informed than the last
All weather maps will be analyzed using skills gained from one semester of Earth Science
Live storm updates will continue until I realize I'm looking at yesterday's satellite image
During public health emergencies:
Medical guidance will be compiled from information shared by my most opinionated friends
Charts and graphs will be fact-checked based on how official they look
All data will be verified by seeing if other people are also sharing it
For evacuation procedures:
Please check the pinned Packing Essentials graphic designed by Shepard Fairey
ADDITIONAL GUIDANCE
Integration of personal brunch content will be provided to maintain essential normalcy protocols
Remember: This vital information distribution system was selected based on rigorous criteria, including “it's the only thing I know how to do” and “I already have the app open anyway.”
Please note that this critical emergency information will disappear in 24 hours, because that is how Stories work, and I haven’t figured out how to make them into Highlights.
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