More Bad News for Tesla

All the problems you haven't heard about yet.

Photo by Prometheus 🔥 on Unsplash

This year hasn't been kind to Tesla. Elon Musk’s disastrous stint with DOGE resulted in a wave of resentment that led to protests, plummeting sales, and even the physical destruction of Tesla vehicles. Worst of all, nobody wants its signature monstrosity.

Some financial experts have called 2025 a “throwaway year” for the automaker, but its problems run deeper than economics. Here are a few under-the-radar problems plaguing them, as well.

• No Teslas have been cast in starring roles for The Fast and the Furious 11.

• The proposed name for their new SUV, the Panzerkampfwagen, did poorly in focus groups.

• Despite his enormous wealth, there's one thing Elon Musk can't buy: the title of People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.

• Due to tariff-related paint shortages, the 2026 Model Y will only be available in raw umber.

• Cup holders in the Cybertruck turned out to be 1/4" too small for Super Big Gulps.

• Tesla’s new employee handbook now includes a chapter entitled “How to Explain to People That Elon Doesn’t Really Work Here.”

• The company had to quietly recall the driverless mortuary van it was briefly offering to the general public.

• Reviews on automotive websites are now actually endorsing the torching of Tesla dealerships.

• The company's namesake was an eccentric loner who died in a hotel room with only pigeons for friends… after being hit by a car.

• Tesla's warranty now explicitly excludes damage caused by “buyer's remorse.”

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