Melania, By The Numbers
A moving portrait of a very still lady.
Blockbuster movie season is here! As we all know, Hollywood tends to drop its biggest and best projects during the dead of winter—just think of recent awards-worthy January releases like Mortdecai and Texas Chainsaw 3D.
The latest member of this illustrious club is last weekend’s documentary Melania from Amazon MGM Studios, which racked up a boffo $7 million in ticket sales on an even more boffo $75 million budget. In addition to being a transparent example of money laundering, the film marks a return to the big screen for notorious sex pest and acclaimed producer of Horrible Bosses 2, Brett Ratner.
According to Amazon, Melania “offers unprecedented access to the 20 days leading up to the 2025 Presidential Inauguration — through the eyes of the First Lady herself.” According to reviewers, it’s “shallow, putrid, pitiful garbage.”
Rather than get caught up in the film’s controversial politics, I decided to review it objectively: by the numbers.
104 minutes
The amount of time that Ratner spent working on this project.
2026
The circumference of Melania’s favorite hat (in centimeters).
99%
Portion of Melania “reviewers” who are otherwise unable to fill out a CAPTCHA.
47
The number of times that editors had to cut President Trump accidentally calling the First Lady “Marla.”
2
Total facial expressions featured in the film.
0
Instances of empathy captured by the documentary crew.
One Trillion
Estimated number of ex-prostitutes who are more interesting than Melania.
$75,000,000
The amount that Jeff Bezos would have to pay me personally to watch this film.
More thanks!
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One of your best for sure. May I humbly suggest one additional number?
509 – individuals who formally requested to opt out of being associated with this documentary.
True story!
Buffoon's BFF Boffo? Baffling.